I'm taking names!

I'm taking names and making a list!  And it's a good list!  Be encouraged! My last blog post focused on wrestling with why people are slow to respond to stopping sex abuse.  I took that discussion to Linked-In and have discovered a group of people who are passionate and ready to go!  Their names and their thoughts are now compiled.

The thoughts about "why" are enlightening and right on.  Fear, apathy, the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde nature of those who abuse, cultural views of children and much more.  I'm pondering this list, looking for the connections and identifying tangible starting places. 

The sense of being powerless has permeated our culture.  The issues of our day seem to huge for us to address.  Fear partnes with denial and a culture of complacency develops.  And we believe the lie that there is nothing we can do.

We are not powerless!

We are a creative people!  We are a strong people!  We design the culture in which we live!

I am determined to gather these creative and strong people and ignite this movement! One major advantage of social media and the connections that develop is that suddenly a collective voice can organize across a nation.  Sense the strength in connecting this way!  Sense the power that will be unleashed!  We are organizing, getting focused and we are taking down this insidious presence!

Want your name on my list?  Just let me know!

I Don't Understand

It is so deeply embedded in who I am, I have no idea how not to feel it. How not to live out of it. It both haunts me and drives me. It is core to me. "It" is the presence of injustice in our world coupled with the depth of the battle required to shift it.  It pains me to see injustice!  It rips at my heart and gut to see any destruction and disregard of people.  It rips at my soul to see so few people step up to stop it. It confounds me!  I don't understand!  How is it that we, "the people", allow any kind of disregard and destruction of others to continue? My eyes fill with tears at this moment because I don't understand! 

Last night I watched the movie "Lincoln" and wept as I saw the burden he carried about the issue of slavery.  I wept because I recognize that kind of burden.  I know the call to a burden for a disregarded people. I know the opposition he faced. I also know the cost of that burden. 

I don't understand why people aren't outraged at the presence of sex abuse in our culture.  I don't understand why we passively accept it.  I don't understand why we are comfortable with "risk management."  I don't understand why the resources I need to do the battle aren't in my grasp. 

I'm willing.  Always have been.  I've put myself in the thick of it.  I get it.  Not everyone has the stomach to be on the front lines.  But where are the troops to support those of us who are?
I don't understand.

Seating the Jury - How Can this be?

I actually went this morning in support of the family of the abuse victim.  Today the federal trial of Fr. Poandl, a priest accused of molesting a then 10 year old boy, began with the jury selection process. The courtroom appeared packed and I was glad to see the full room - thinking, finally, people are taking this seriously!  And then I realized that 70 of the people there were the potential jury pool.  As the realization dawned that maybe 20 people were here for the trial, I was perplexed:  How can this Be?  Why aren't more people here?  Why isn't there standing room only?

The procedure of screening jurors as to the ability to be "unbiased" continued and I experienced another shocking awareness.  The question was asked of the jury pool: Is there anyone here who has a framework or philosophical belief either religous, personal, etc...that would keep you from being unbiased in this trail?  Not ONE person responded yes.  I was shocked!  I said to myself, "They have to be lying or afraid to speak up!"  Surely SOMEONE in 70 people has an internal bias about sexual abuse that would impact their presence on a jury!  How can this be?  Why aren't people outraged?

A few minutes later, when the jury pool was reminded that this case involved the molestation of a 10 year old boy, and asked again about their ability to remain unbiased in light of that; 3 women raised their hands.  All had family members who were 10 year old boys. 

I have just returned from IVAT, the International Conference on Violence, Abuse and Trauma where I presented on a panel about how to prevent sex abuse.  I challenged my colleagues that it was time to rethink our approach.  I suggested that current prevention approaches have inadvertently made it an individual's responsibility to prevent sex abuse.  I suggested that we have not done a good job of making it a community problem.  (More on that in future blogs!)

And today I watched that play out in a courtroom.  As a community, not one person felt an internal reaction to nor an outrage about sexual abuse.  Only individual mothers stood up.

How can this be?

Moving obstacles out of the way!

I always try to leave home early, especially when I'm the scheduled speaker! Last night I was so glad I did.  The road I was traveling was two lanes, with one lane designated as no parking, from 4:00pm-6:00pm.  It was now 6:09pm, and there up ahead in my lane was a parked car.  Rats!

As I pulled up behind the parked car, simultaneously in the left lane a car slowed down and stopped, directly next to the parked car.  The driver valiantly tried to restart his car several times.  It became apparent that his car was disabled and he wasn't going anywhere! 

I was stunned.  For my way was totally blocked.  I could see my destination just down the road as a wave of "oh no" washed over me.  Those that know me, know that I'm a pretty determined woman.  Fierce sometimes in my determination to not give up.  Passionate in my resolve to accomplish the assignment upon my life. 

My mind began to look for solutions, for NOTHING was going to stop me from showing up to this important gathering! I got out of my car, and first wondered if I could find who owned the parked car, prepared to knock on the door of the house. Then, the driver and the passenger in the disabled car got out and came towards me. Meanwhile the backup grew and people sat in their cars, watching, probably grumbling.  Together, we decided to push his car to the side as his passenger got behind the wheel to steer.  Another man joined us, and we pushed the car out of the lane, releasing the traffic flow.

As I got back in my car I realized that now my lane was still blocked and the people who had sat unresponsive were now moving freely.  Not fair!  Once again, determined not to be stopped by the  choices and circumstances of others, I thrust my left hand out my window, used my hand as a stop sign, and forced my way over into the now moving lane.  (My Chicago driving habits kicked into gear.  Ha!) I will not be denied the movement I desire and need!

Friends, The journey to connect to authentic identity and become all you were created capable of being is much like my drive last night.  Obstacles will rise up.  Others will block and impede your progress.  Moving forward in light of that means that you dig deep, tap into your determination and desire and PUSH the obstacle out of the way!

Some people will help, some will sit complacently by the side and enjoy the benefits of your hard work.  It will be difficult, it will be challenging.  But you reap the rewards of the freedom to keep on moving and discover that you CAN!

Why was I so determined?  Because I was going to speak to a large gathering of people desiring to hear about the impact of sex abuse and find hope in restoration!  Obstacle get out of my way!  I am a woman on assignment, living out of passion and purpose!  I and those who will join me will not be denied.

Living in the moment

We are having an unusual summer in Cincinnati.  Cool temperatures with no humidity!  I find myself really enjoyng it, but waiting, poised for the REAL weather to show up. 

My grandchildren are off playing and I hear the giggles, but I'm waiting, poised for the cry that will come when one of them gets hurt or disappointed.

I catch myself in these thoughts of waiting for the bad stuff to happen, and sigh - then feel the tension in my body.  Why is it that living in the moment is so difficult?  Why is it that I rob myself of experiencing the pleasure of the moments I'm in? 

I find this challenge is something many of us struggle with.  It is the history and experience of our past that informs our preparation for the future, and we skip right over the now.  And when we do, our expectation of the negative is fulfilled as we pull it in to our atmosphere and miss the pleasure that is available. 

Just being in the moment isn't safe.  I hear all the "should's" in my head: You must be prepared to manage the emotion that will erupt in a minute.  You must anticipate the needs of others. You must not take in the joy because that will make the sorrow even bigger.  You've got to be in control so you don't acknowledge your lack of power.  All the should's, they rob me.

In this moment my 5 year old grandaughter runs into the room laughing as she brings me her dress up clothes to help her become Snow White.....I look into her eyes, see the joy in her "now".  I'm drawn into her world, and decide to drop all my shoulds.  Some moments are too precious too miss.

Expectations and Disappointment

Quite a balancing act this connection between expectation and disappointment!  Disappointment is linked to expectation in that we feel disappointed when what we experience is not close to what we expected.  When our expectaions don't meet the reality in the experience, we are disappointed.

Feeling disappointed is uncomfortable and is an emotion we would like to avoid. How do we typically manage that?

• We lower our expectations, or we have no expectation at all. That way we can manage the emotion of disappointment by not giving it a place to land.  Works in the moment perhaps, but by denying expectation, several things happen.  One, we kill the power found in hope and we lose motivation.  Second, the people around us slip into complacency as there is no expectation of them.
• We deny or do not process the disappointment.  Again, several things can happen.  We become angry at ourselves for having a hope of expectation and internalize a self-destructive emotion or message.  Secondly, that unprocessed feeling of disappointment ultimately feeds into disheartenment and the snowball of depression grows bigger.

What's the answer?  Truthfully, sometimes we need to lower our expectations. An example:  when your past experiences tell you that Sam is not going to listen with an open heart, you might need to protect yourself and adjust your expectation that keeps saying, "if I say it this way..." and not share things of the heart.

Sometimes we need to hold out an expectation and stand strong.  An example: Expecting to be treated with respect is absolutely an appropriate need.  Standing strong in that expectation will produce an atmosphere around you that moves people to respond.  If their behavior does not leave you feeling respected, you will be disappointed, however, your self-respect remains intact.

And so very important and core to this issue:  When disappointed, own it, name it, feel it, work your way through it!  Denying the uncomforable emotion only makes things worse.  Owning the disappointment says, "My hopes, needs, etc., have value."  Learn from the emotion and make an adjustment in either your thinking or behavior as necessary.

Stand Up

Huh - just seeing the title, it appears that this blog post will again have a "fight" flavor to it. Why?  Because at the core of me is a fighting warrior tired of a world that compacently accepts violence and the presence of sex abuse. 

I see hundreds of people turn out for a walk against breast cancer - and yet the numbers of victims of breast cancer are not near the numbers of victims of sex abuse!

I see hundreds of people turn out for a walk to support issues around mental health - and yet many of those issues originate in the trauma of sex abuse.

I see hundreds of people turn out for a walk about autism, cystic fibrosis and now Alzheimer's.

What the heck?!?  We issue a call for people to Stand Up against sex abuse - and we have little response!  I'm sick of the powerless feeling.  I'm sick of the shame keeping us from addressing it.  I'm sick of the passive acceptance of sex abuse as something we have to "prevent"! Let's not tolerate it!

STAND UP!  When we asked 300 people what their first response was when they heard about sex abuse, the word most used was "sick".  I'm calling you to move beyond that first response!  Yes, it is "sick", but let's get angry about it.  Let's take this down.  Let's Stand Up and battle the mindsets that allow sex abuse to exist. 

If you are in the Cincinnati area - join us on August 17th, in Ault Park as we walk and STAND UP OHIO.  This will be unique!  You won't just walk, although showing up alone will make a statement.  But you will have the opportunity to visit 3 action stations where you will help unearth and combat cultural norms and mindsets.  We are attacking at the root!  COME UP TO  A HIGHER PLACE AND BATTLE WITH US!

rsvp: connections2602@gmail.com  or http://standupohiowalk.brownpapertickets.com