Seating the Jury - How Can this be?

I actually went this morning in support of the family of the abuse victim.  Today the federal trial of Fr. Poandl, a priest accused of molesting a then 10 year old boy, began with the jury selection process. The courtroom appeared packed and I was glad to see the full room - thinking, finally, people are taking this seriously!  And then I realized that 70 of the people there were the potential jury pool.  As the realization dawned that maybe 20 people were here for the trial, I was perplexed:  How can this Be?  Why aren't more people here?  Why isn't there standing room only?

The procedure of screening jurors as to the ability to be "unbiased" continued and I experienced another shocking awareness.  The question was asked of the jury pool: Is there anyone here who has a framework or philosophical belief either religous, personal, etc...that would keep you from being unbiased in this trail?  Not ONE person responded yes.  I was shocked!  I said to myself, "They have to be lying or afraid to speak up!"  Surely SOMEONE in 70 people has an internal bias about sexual abuse that would impact their presence on a jury!  How can this be?  Why aren't people outraged?

A few minutes later, when the jury pool was reminded that this case involved the molestation of a 10 year old boy, and asked again about their ability to remain unbiased in light of that; 3 women raised their hands.  All had family members who were 10 year old boys. 

I have just returned from IVAT, the International Conference on Violence, Abuse and Trauma where I presented on a panel about how to prevent sex abuse.  I challenged my colleagues that it was time to rethink our approach.  I suggested that current prevention approaches have inadvertently made it an individual's responsibility to prevent sex abuse.  I suggested that we have not done a good job of making it a community problem.  (More on that in future blogs!)

And today I watched that play out in a courtroom.  As a community, not one person felt an internal reaction to nor an outrage about sexual abuse.  Only individual mothers stood up.

How can this be?

Stand Up

Huh - just seeing the title, it appears that this blog post will again have a "fight" flavor to it. Why?  Because at the core of me is a fighting warrior tired of a world that compacently accepts violence and the presence of sex abuse. 

I see hundreds of people turn out for a walk against breast cancer - and yet the numbers of victims of breast cancer are not near the numbers of victims of sex abuse!

I see hundreds of people turn out for a walk to support issues around mental health - and yet many of those issues originate in the trauma of sex abuse.

I see hundreds of people turn out for a walk about autism, cystic fibrosis and now Alzheimer's.

What the heck?!?  We issue a call for people to Stand Up against sex abuse - and we have little response!  I'm sick of the powerless feeling.  I'm sick of the shame keeping us from addressing it.  I'm sick of the passive acceptance of sex abuse as something we have to "prevent"! Let's not tolerate it!

STAND UP!  When we asked 300 people what their first response was when they heard about sex abuse, the word most used was "sick".  I'm calling you to move beyond that first response!  Yes, it is "sick", but let's get angry about it.  Let's take this down.  Let's Stand Up and battle the mindsets that allow sex abuse to exist. 

If you are in the Cincinnati area - join us on August 17th, in Ault Park as we walk and STAND UP OHIO.  This will be unique!  You won't just walk, although showing up alone will make a statement.  But you will have the opportunity to visit 3 action stations where you will help unearth and combat cultural norms and mindsets.  We are attacking at the root!  COME UP TO  A HIGHER PLACE AND BATTLE WITH US!

rsvp: connections2602@gmail.com  or http://standupohiowalk.brownpapertickets.com

Occupy your land

This journey of restoring authentic identity is a battle!  Think of it this way:  someone has crossed a boundary and has invaded your territory.  This invader has imposed new rules of thinking and behaving and your healthy sense of identity has been submerged under this tyrant.

You have decided to declare war on this invasion and throw out the rules, thoughts and behaviors the invader left behind.  These rules, thoughts and behaviors cripple you and unless defeated, will define your life. 

You are going to stop running from "knowing what you know", turn around, face the reality of what you experienced and "occupy your land."  It is a place of great strength to stand by your core, recognize your innate value and take it back - occupy it!

It is an action.  It is a reclaiming.  Draw your weapons of restoration by taking responsibility to fight the battle, recognizing the impact of the invasion, identifying your power of agreement and internalize the new truth.  Occupy!

It is victory that is possible! 
www.beyondrecoverytorestoration.com

Fighting the Wrong Battle

The honest truth is that life is difficult.  It is full of disappointment, hurt, confusion and often trauma. How we make it through these challenges, and what we do with them is were the value lies. You have to fight to overcome.  And far too often we end up fighting the wrong battle.

Consider a woman now in domestic violence. Thinking that her only means of stopping the attacks is to adjust her demeanor, or words or behaviors, she battles herself, denies her needs and adjusts.  Consider the adult man victimized by sex abuse as a child.  Thinking that his sexuality is the problem, he battles and denies his natural responses.  A battle has an objective - what would you say is the objective in the battle these two people are fighting? I suggest that in these examples, the objective is to manage the trauma and it's impact. It's the wrong battle.  It's wasted energy.  And it does not produce freedom.

We have to fight for the freedom to be who we were created to be.  We have to fight for our rights, fight for our authentic identity and the power and direction it provides.  We have to fight the belief systems developed from wounding and trauma that tell us we don't matter or have no value. 

Deep inside is the essence of you.  It has not disappeared, it has not been destroyed.  It waits, holding the treasures of your potential and the provision to accomplish it. 

That's the correct battle!

Our Invisible War

The documentary is eye-opening.  And you would think by now that my eyes are opened!? Yesterday I watched "The Invisible War" about sexual assault within the military.  Horrific reality about the system set up that keeps perpetrators empowered and women silenced and victimized. 

How were my eyes opened?  I had a revelation: why are we surprised?  This dynamic of a system that keeps perpetrators empowered and children silenced and victimized exists everywhere a child is sexually assaulted. 

Sex abuse typically happens within a structure of authority.  The person assaulting the child is usually a person who has authority over that child, i.e. parent, coach, pastor, babysitter, teacher etc.   And to whom does a child reveal?  Someone close to that person in authority.  And what is the typical reaction?  Denial, silencing, investigations that lead nowhere, puny penalties, re-victimization, lack of support and help for the victims.  The military is only playing out what is happening in our backyards and next door.

In the documentary, several of the sexual assault victims filed suit against the military.  The court came back dismissing the case saying, "Rape is an occupational hazard of the military." 

It is no different in our neighborhoods - "Sexual abuse is an occupational hazard of being a child."

It is time to speak up, own up and STAND UP!  Join our movement as we shift our cultural thinking!
www.standup300.com

Put aside the story assigned to you!

Her eyes tell me she doesn't fully grasp what I'm sharing.  As a young child she was repeatedly molested by family members and she has deep beliefs about her value and who she is.  Hearing that she isn't what happened to her - that the story the molester assigned to her isn't hers - rocks her foundation.

The beliefs based on trauma are so deep that she feels threatened when I offer an alternative.  I get it.  We build our relationships and our world based on internal capacities defined by our experiences.  And it limits us and how we interact and move.  When I suggest that there is more to her, she feels rattled and wonders about this hope.  Can she really become all she was created to be?

Hope comes in strange packages.  It can come in a song, in a whisper from your heart, or in the words of a speaker.  Hearing it is not enough.  The next step is up to you.  What will you do with the hope offered?  Will you explore it?  Will you do the hard work of internalizing it and shifting what you think? 

Put aside the stories others have written for you and discover who you really are!

Victim or Survivor

The language we use in talking about sex abuse is so very important.  Words shape the direction of our lives and our thinking.  The words spoken to us, around us and over us create pathways upon which our lives play out.  Words can build up or tear down, set limits or promote freedom, encourage or discourage, bless or curse.

When we too quickly use the word “survivor” to describe someone who has been traumatized by sex abuse, we are negating the reality of the impact of sex abuse and “promoting” them into a place that doesn’t allow for the necessary healing.  On the outside they adopt the identity of survivor, meaning “I’m Okay”, “I survived it”, while on the inside all they know is fear, uncertainty, intense pain, and loss of personal identity.

It is no wonder the victim of sex abuse hears, “put it behind you”, “why are you still thinking about that”, for we have told them by denying their victimhood that it IS over.  We have told them in the use of our language that it IS all better – you survived!  This is wrong and destructive, and perpetuates and prolongs the damage of abuse.

Saying, “I’m a survivor” is not more empowering than saying, “I’m a victim”.  Victims have more power to get freedom than survivors do because first, victims can place the blame where it belongs – on the person who hurt them.  A victim knows that something was done TO them.  Using the word “victim”, helps shift the sense of responsibility that “survivors” typically carry.

 Secondly, when someone says, “I am a victim of sex abuse”, they create an open space and a direction to travel to the place of being a “survivor.”  That space allows for looking at the impact of sex abuse.  The impact is found in what one believes about self and the world, and is where the real damage of sex abuse lies. 

First a victim, then a survivor, once the impact of the trauma has been cleansed and overcome.

P.S. – Another thought about use of language: I would also suggest we lose the “I AM…”  That denotes identity and connects who you are to the trauma!  You aren’t your trauma! Rather say, “I was victimized by sex abuse” or, “I experienced sex abuse.”