Carrying Burdens

This picture moves me! A picture like this flooded my awareness as I listened to a group of victims of sex abuse talk about the burdens they were carrying. I could see all these aspects:

• I see burdens placed on the victim of sex abuse, tied on so he (thinks) he can't shake them loose. 
• I see weariness and resignation in the donkey's (victim's) face. 
• I see the person who tied on the burden leading him with the full expectation that the donkey (victim) carry the heavy load.

That reality troubles me!  How many of us are like that donkey?

I responded with a profound sense of sadness when I heard their burdens.  Sadness for what they have experienced; but even more a sadness that they are afraid to untie the burden and leave it in the dust.  For unlike the donkey, you have a choice!  You can say, hell no, I'm not carrying it!

The conversation has caused me to take a deep look at why's? 

• Why is it that the desire and determination to be free is not as big as the fear of being without the burden? 
• Why do we hide behind fear?  Because we do - we use fear as a reason for not progressing.
• Why do we we think we need the burdens?  If I won't let go of it, it is meeting a need.

I wonder if it all doesn't boil down to being unwilling.  Unwilling to take the risk; or take responsibility for our own behaviors, yes, even those behaviors that are an adaptation to trauma. And how do we shift this - how do we nurture and develop a willing spirit? 

Stay on the Path

Yesterday I took down the Christmas tree and "officially" closed the holiday season in my home.  I now face January; the start of 2014.  I'm standing at the head of a path, peering down into a new year and wondering.

Before me I see possibility and challenges. Sometimes more challenges than possibility!  I have a choice to make:  Do I focus on that looming challenging mountain, or do I look through the mountain to embrace and push through to reach the possibility?  Can I muster what it will take to overcome?  Where do I find the strength and hope needed to get through the obstacles I will face? 

And the answer resonates within my heart:  In my authentic identity!

I was created with a deep determination and an "I won't stop" attitude.  I also was created with a heart for God and a connection to His leading.  I determine today to tap into those aspects of my identity. That will give me what I need to stay on the path in 2014!

Join me in entering 2014 and keep in mind these things:
1.  Who you were created to be is exactly what you need to maneuver through what lies ahead.
2.  Don't let the obstacles ahead draw you off the path of your destiny!  Stand your ground.  Fight for it! Whatever is on your path is yours to overcome!  In overcoming you develop the key to open the next door to destiny.
3.  Don't settle and rest in the negative oppression of what you know or experience.  You were created for more and have what it takes to move into the new!  Your inheritance is secured on the path.
4.  When faced with a crossroad, be still, recalculate, look at the consequences and rewards at the junction.  Contemplate, reflect and choose with wisdom and strength.  Then you can move forward in confidence.

I will journey with you!  Stay connected! 
Happy New Year - Stay on the Path!

I'm taking names!

I'm taking names and making a list!  And it's a good list!  Be encouraged! My last blog post focused on wrestling with why people are slow to respond to stopping sex abuse.  I took that discussion to Linked-In and have discovered a group of people who are passionate and ready to go!  Their names and their thoughts are now compiled.

The thoughts about "why" are enlightening and right on.  Fear, apathy, the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde nature of those who abuse, cultural views of children and much more.  I'm pondering this list, looking for the connections and identifying tangible starting places. 

The sense of being powerless has permeated our culture.  The issues of our day seem to huge for us to address.  Fear partnes with denial and a culture of complacency develops.  And we believe the lie that there is nothing we can do.

We are not powerless!

We are a creative people!  We are a strong people!  We design the culture in which we live!

I am determined to gather these creative and strong people and ignite this movement! One major advantage of social media and the connections that develop is that suddenly a collective voice can organize across a nation.  Sense the strength in connecting this way!  Sense the power that will be unleashed!  We are organizing, getting focused and we are taking down this insidious presence!

Want your name on my list?  Just let me know!

Seating the Jury - How Can this be?

I actually went this morning in support of the family of the abuse victim.  Today the federal trial of Fr. Poandl, a priest accused of molesting a then 10 year old boy, began with the jury selection process. The courtroom appeared packed and I was glad to see the full room - thinking, finally, people are taking this seriously!  And then I realized that 70 of the people there were the potential jury pool.  As the realization dawned that maybe 20 people were here for the trial, I was perplexed:  How can this Be?  Why aren't more people here?  Why isn't there standing room only?

The procedure of screening jurors as to the ability to be "unbiased" continued and I experienced another shocking awareness.  The question was asked of the jury pool: Is there anyone here who has a framework or philosophical belief either religous, personal, etc...that would keep you from being unbiased in this trail?  Not ONE person responded yes.  I was shocked!  I said to myself, "They have to be lying or afraid to speak up!"  Surely SOMEONE in 70 people has an internal bias about sexual abuse that would impact their presence on a jury!  How can this be?  Why aren't people outraged?

A few minutes later, when the jury pool was reminded that this case involved the molestation of a 10 year old boy, and asked again about their ability to remain unbiased in light of that; 3 women raised their hands.  All had family members who were 10 year old boys. 

I have just returned from IVAT, the International Conference on Violence, Abuse and Trauma where I presented on a panel about how to prevent sex abuse.  I challenged my colleagues that it was time to rethink our approach.  I suggested that current prevention approaches have inadvertently made it an individual's responsibility to prevent sex abuse.  I suggested that we have not done a good job of making it a community problem.  (More on that in future blogs!)

And today I watched that play out in a courtroom.  As a community, not one person felt an internal reaction to nor an outrage about sexual abuse.  Only individual mothers stood up.

How can this be?

Expectations and Disappointment

Quite a balancing act this connection between expectation and disappointment!  Disappointment is linked to expectation in that we feel disappointed when what we experience is not close to what we expected.  When our expectaions don't meet the reality in the experience, we are disappointed.

Feeling disappointed is uncomfortable and is an emotion we would like to avoid. How do we typically manage that?

• We lower our expectations, or we have no expectation at all. That way we can manage the emotion of disappointment by not giving it a place to land.  Works in the moment perhaps, but by denying expectation, several things happen.  One, we kill the power found in hope and we lose motivation.  Second, the people around us slip into complacency as there is no expectation of them.
• We deny or do not process the disappointment.  Again, several things can happen.  We become angry at ourselves for having a hope of expectation and internalize a self-destructive emotion or message.  Secondly, that unprocessed feeling of disappointment ultimately feeds into disheartenment and the snowball of depression grows bigger.

What's the answer?  Truthfully, sometimes we need to lower our expectations. An example:  when your past experiences tell you that Sam is not going to listen with an open heart, you might need to protect yourself and adjust your expectation that keeps saying, "if I say it this way..." and not share things of the heart.

Sometimes we need to hold out an expectation and stand strong.  An example: Expecting to be treated with respect is absolutely an appropriate need.  Standing strong in that expectation will produce an atmosphere around you that moves people to respond.  If their behavior does not leave you feeling respected, you will be disappointed, however, your self-respect remains intact.

And so very important and core to this issue:  When disappointed, own it, name it, feel it, work your way through it!  Denying the uncomforable emotion only makes things worse.  Owning the disappointment says, "My hopes, needs, etc., have value."  Learn from the emotion and make an adjustment in either your thinking or behavior as necessary.

We can't educate our way out of this!

The gut reactions I have are becoming stronger than my will to silence them! Whether I am speaking to a victim or to a colleague, I see the fog of passivity that has developed because we have  allowed "education" to be the focus of both our recovery and prevention efforts. 

Knowledge alone does not change the deep seated presence of sexual assault of children in our culture. Knowledge alone does not change the impact for the victim. We have to fight to rid ourselves of its presence.  We have to convert that knowledge into action! We have to declare war and unearth and change the stakes of thinking that hold this in place. 

As we watch the military rework the reporting of sexual assault within its ranks; or as we watch Congress add another law, we must not breathe a sigh of relief and think, "someone is doing something."  Because I can guarantee you - no stricter laws or changed reporting systems will actually stop sexual abuse. There are already many laws in place and structures of justice in place and they do not stop the perpetration of sex abuse.

We can't educate our way out of this one!

So, I'm declaring war!  I'm going deep - I'm diving in. I will unearth these stakes and yank them out!
Stay tuned!  Sign up for the army today!
www.stanup300.org

Our Invisible War

The documentary is eye-opening.  And you would think by now that my eyes are opened!? Yesterday I watched "The Invisible War" about sexual assault within the military.  Horrific reality about the system set up that keeps perpetrators empowered and women silenced and victimized. 

How were my eyes opened?  I had a revelation: why are we surprised?  This dynamic of a system that keeps perpetrators empowered and children silenced and victimized exists everywhere a child is sexually assaulted. 

Sex abuse typically happens within a structure of authority.  The person assaulting the child is usually a person who has authority over that child, i.e. parent, coach, pastor, babysitter, teacher etc.   And to whom does a child reveal?  Someone close to that person in authority.  And what is the typical reaction?  Denial, silencing, investigations that lead nowhere, puny penalties, re-victimization, lack of support and help for the victims.  The military is only playing out what is happening in our backyards and next door.

In the documentary, several of the sexual assault victims filed suit against the military.  The court came back dismissing the case saying, "Rape is an occupational hazard of the military." 

It is no different in our neighborhoods - "Sexual abuse is an occupational hazard of being a child."

It is time to speak up, own up and STAND UP!  Join our movement as we shift our cultural thinking!
www.standup300.com