Message Senders

"Our feelings are always with us, but we are too seldom with them. " Daniel Goleman

Perhaps scariest of all to victims of sex abuse is the mountain of emotions perched behind walls of denial. Often a belief exists that if I don't acknowledge them, I'm okay and they don't exist.  Neither of which is true.

You are not okay - You are crippled.  You operate without the benefit of what your emotions can tell you.  You are living isolated, not able to connect with another person at the deep level of emotional intimacy that ultimately fulfills us as people.

And your emotions exist whether you acknowledge them or not.  They exist in headaches, sore backs and shoulders, ulcers and any number of physical conditions.

But that's not my focus of this post.

I want to encourage you to accept that your emotions have something to tell you.  That gut reaction you have is valid, it is your personal wealth of wisdom and judgement.  That gut reaction is not only valid, but vital to providing you with information that will guide you. Often victims of sex abuse do not trust their gut reactions.  Why?  Because the secrecy of sex abuse coupled with the facade a perpetrator lives under, messes with the victim's ability to accept her perceptions as real.

Gavin deBecker calls apprehension the "gift of fear."  This radar alerts you that something is off.  It is valuable and necessary for making choices that keep you safe.

Your emotions are your inner rudder!  You need them.  Decide to connect to them, learn from them and step fully into your life.

Hope and Hope Deferred

In the corner behind me lies the pile of things I hoped for that didn't materialize.  In front of me lies the possibility of that next new hope. Most days I can choose the hope in front of me and keep on moving. Some days the pile overwhelms me and I decide that hope is not only useless, but hurtful.  Those are the days I believe, "Hope is what you do to set yourself up."  The internal reprimand resounds: "Why did you go and get your hopes up again?"
 
And the pile grows bigger.
 
Hope is a function of the heart.  It is a combination of two other feelings:  expectation and desire. An expectation is waiting for something; looking for somehting.  You just know that the object of your hope is just around the corner.  Desire is a longing for something you want.  Between the expectation and desire is a thought, or hope, that says it just might be possible.  
 
When things don't come about the way we hoped, we are disappointed and perhaps deeper than that, we are disillusioned.  Those are difficult emotions to master, so we often ignore the emotion and through hope into the pile in the corner, telling ourselves we were foolish to hope, or that it really didn't matter. 

This disappointment left unprocessed becomes hope deferred.  And deferred hope makes the heart sick.  It causes physical problems such as stomach and headache issues.  Hope deferred can result in depression, cynicism, or the development of a guarded heart.  It can leave us immobolized, unable to set goals or go after what we want or need.  Deferred hope is toxic.
 
Having hope is so important to restoring you and getting the life you want.  Here are some thoughts about how to manage hope:
1. Examine what are you hoping in? Is it realistic?  Are you hoping in another person, in a situation or outcome, or in the inner strengths and capacity of who you are? 
2.  Combine hope with action.  If you are hoping in a new job, you'll have to do something to find that job, send the resume, interview, etc.  If you're hoping to be restored to all you were capable of being, you'll have do the hard work of making exchanges in your thinking.
3. Process the disappointments.  Acknowledge that you are disappointed without making excuses or beating yourself up.
4.  Learn from it - was your expectation unrealistic?  Did you need to take more action?  What can you do differently.
5.  Choose to try again!

Hope keeps you moving.  Hope deferred keeps you stuck.  Choose Hope!

Birthing Wisdom

"I am so excited about what you are experiencing."  I know it sounds funny when I say it. I even cringe sometimes, because I say that when I'm sitting with someone who has just understood a difficult truth about the life she has lived. 

She has paid a great cost to arrive at that truth.  It comes wrapped in pain and discomfort.  Its companion, denial, has worked hard to keep the truth from being revealed and explored. Your truth provides wisdom.  I don't know of any other way to unlock that truth than to unwrap the pain and labor through the obstacles to birth the wisdom that will set you free.

Obstacles such as denial, fear, the expectations of others and your own emotions can trick you into thinking you 'can't."  Each obstacle holds its own wisdom.

• Denial - The stance that once "protected" you, is now the doorway to the answers to the questions that keep you wondering "why?"
• Fear - A legitimate emotion that hovers over either truth of experience or unhealthy adaptations made to create a sense of safety or control.
• Expectation of others - Wisdom here is gained in being able to identify safe or unsafe people as you unpack those experiences.
• Your emotions - Provide an opportunity to explain what you are experiencing and explore deeper beliefs that drive emotional reactions.

Wisdom is found in self knowledge and self confrontation.  You hold the secrets to changing what you want to change. You can't fix what you don't know, and you can't shift what you're not willing to confront. 

Only you can decide if you are willing to do the labor of birthing your own wisdom.
I hope you do!