What People Pass off for Love is Appalling

I'm always open to go where our support group wants to go.  We were talking about the relationship someone develops with the trauma they experienced, when the discussion took a sharp turn. Our ladies began to talk about the current relationships they have with their parents.  All 5 women present had a deep unmet longing to feel loved and accepted by a parent.  Separate from the sex abuse they had experienced was this unmet need that was crying out for fulfillment.  That cry is hurting them today as it continuously puts them in unhealthy relationship patterns and keeps the trauma engaged.

Imagine the confusion within a child when:

• A mother says I love you, but the next day abandons her at the side of the road as a joke.
• A fathers consistent criticism is the basis of acknowledgement.
• A mother only accepts you if you meet her needs.
• The child's revelation of sex abuse is met with disregard.

As children we have no choice but to assign the term "love" to what is given to us as a representation of love. Often what is offered in the name of love is not sufficient nor is it truth. The child ends up emotionally malnourished, weakened and starving for what she thinks only the parent can provide.  That leaves the adult child still attached to the frustrating cycle of hope that the parent will love appropriately. 

Now, as an adult, you have the responsibility, and right to recognize the reality of what your parent offers as love and grieve what is missing. It is time to accept the reality of who your parent is and make steps to release yourself from the toxic cycles that occur.

Then, that unmet need of parental love can be filled as you recognize and internalize the safe love of others.  It may not come the way you had hoped, but it absolutely is possible to fill that void.

What was offered as love was appalling.  What's available in healing is amazing.

So stuck in story.

So stuck in telling story.

So scarred.  So empty.

So not restored.  So not complete.

So hiding impact.  So hiding scars.  So hiding self.

So easily trapped.  So easily complacent.  So easily compliant.  So easily fooled.  So easily dieing.

So busy denying.  So busy doing.  So busy running.  So busy hurting. 

So shut down.  So hopeless.  So dead end.  

So buried. So tragic.

So stuck in telling story.

 

So not the end!  So much more to reveal.  So much more to gain.

So very hard.

So few who go for it.

So tragic!

 

I don't need these anymore!

"I have something to give you," she said as she withdrew these rocks from her purse.  "Remember when we did that activity with writing the negative things we believed about our self?  These are from that activity; I saved them. I've held on to them and felt the heaviness of them. But I don't need them anymore - I've shifted these beliefs, they don't belong to me!"

AWESOME!  We celebrated and congratulated her!

It absolutely is possible to conquer the impact of childhood sex abuse!  Utilizing the tools of Restoration, you can be restored to your authentic identity and become all you were created capable of being.  The core tools are:

Recognize:  Work on hearing what you say and what you do that stems from trauma, and see the impact of sex abuse playing out in your life.  Recognize the negative messages and the positive messages.

Power of Agreement: Whatever you agree with, your energy and focus empowers.  You have the power to shift from aligning with negative beliefs to aligning with positive beliefs.

Internalize:  That means you intentionally make a part of your thinking the positives and the truths necessary to defeat the thinking that negates and hurts you.

Exchange:  When you've recognized the negative, and been exposed to the alternate positives, you consciously exchange the old for the new.

Responsibility:  Ultimately you have to take responsibility to do this hard work.  Only you can do it!

Our Advance! Workbook gives you a taste of how to utilize these tools. I'm excited to tell you that now, if you don't live in the Cincinnati area to participate in our group - you can now GET THE COURSE ON LINE!

Check out the free video and worksheet and order it here:  CLICK HERE

Stop Fighting it

The look on her face says, "That is not true. Don't say that out loud!"  And I know that we have hit a core roadblock in her restoration process.  It's an important insight.  We stop and refocus.

My goal is not to get her to accept the reality she experienced. If that becomes the focus, the battle will keep her stuck and keep us going round the same mountain over and over again.   

My goal is to help her recognize her unwillingness to accept what she already knows. It's an important distinction in focus.

I've been here many times with many victims of sex abuse.  I get it!  An entire internal system has been built for protection.  And I understand that it is scary to shift it.  I understand the need for support - that's why Connections exists!  I also understand the need for the CORRECT support if the goal is to truly overcome the impact of sex abuse trauma.

The best support I can offer is to help that victim accept her reality - the reality of the now! She decides what that is, i.e., she decides if she will accept the reality of the sex abuse, its impact upon her; or accept the reality that she won't or can't do the work of restoration. She really may be unwilling to shift her coping strategies or shift the way she thinks about herself and the world.  I need to accept that and so does she.  When we shift focus to what she is willing to accept, we can help quiet the internal conflict created in the therapy process.  Our focus can become how to live with the internal systems she has built and remain safe.

Stop fighting it?  Stop fighting knowing what you already know-on all levels.
Acceptance brings freedom!

What is worth fighting for?

I heard this question today on the radio.  What is worth fighting for? I posted the question on Facebook and got some wonderful answers:  me, life, love, dignity, truth, justice.  All worth fighting for.

But my mind didn't stop with that question.  In tumbled additional thoughts:
1. So, fighting means there is an adversary - so who am I fighting when I choose to fight (as suggested), for me?

• I could be fighting restrictions from others.
• I could be fighting my internal thoughts.
• I could be fighting me.

Or if I'm fighting for dignity, or truth, who or what am I fighting?  You have to have some knowledge of the adversary.

2. If I choose to fight for any of the above mentioned things, what are my weapons?  What do I use; what is in my hands, my heart or my thoughts that will help me win this battle? You have to be equipped.

Pretty good questions!  Why ask them? 

Because every day I spend time with people fighting back. People who are living on a battlefield they didn't create.  People who now have to find the strength to identify what they are fighting for; who is the "enemy" and what weapon is needed to take out that enemy.  And it is exhausting!  And they need our support!

I remind them "you have to fight for it."  You have to want whatever "it" is more than you want to stay where you are.  You have to fight through the denial, the pain, the shame, the fears.  I remind them that they were created with power.  Inside them are the tools to win!  They have what they need to do the battle.  And I'll help them as they go.

Because it is SO worth fighting for!