4 Myths that make healing nearly impossible

I believe that it is possible to overcome the impact of sex abuse!  I don't have a specific a,b,c of what that looks like; you decide what healing might look like for you.  I would, however, offer for consideration the definition that you have overcome the impact when sex abuse is not how you filter your world.  You have overcome when you walk in the strength and power of authentic identity, no longer accepting the "story of sex abuse" as who you are.

We appreciate the work of Caroline Myss, who offers the term, "woundology" to describe the reality that victims typically redefine their lives around their wounds in a process of accepting them.  These 4 myths come from her work. To help you explore them, we have added our "fill-in-the-blanks" worksheet. 

 Myth #1:  My life is defined by my wound. 

It is virtually impossible not to be influenced by a personal history of emotional or psychological wounds. Sadly, most victims convince themselves that their lives are only a compilation of their wounds and that they feel they can do little to heal, other than to share their stories and manage the impact.

To release the grip of this myth you must take more responsibility for the quality of your life. 

"Sometimes I make excuses for why I am not focusing on doing more positive things in my life such as (be specific) ________________________________.  The excuse I use most often is _____________________________________.  There are times I compare my history of wounds because _________________________________________.  If I feel more wounded than someone else, I often feel more empowered because____________________________________________."

Myth #2: Being healthy means being alone.

Sometimes people believe that once they are healed they will no longer have emotional or psychological needs and therefore all support for what is happening in their lives will be gone forever.  The truth is that whether or not we are healed or are in the process of healing we will always need loving friends and family; a community based not just on wounds or neediness, but on shared interests and emotional nurturing.

"I am afraid that if I heal, my support people will___________________________
When I picture myself as healed I see _______________________________ with me.
Emotional wounds may be a source of bonding with others and healing from those wounds may  mean__________________________________________________."

Myth #3: Feeling pain means being destroyed by pain.

The opposite is actually true:  Not feeling your pain will destroy you.  Pain collected in the body causes physical aches and illness. Identifying and expressing the reality of your emotional pain releases you from the weight of it, and releases you from a constant connection to the trauma.  The pain can feel overwhelming because it has accumulated over the years.  As you move towards owning the pain, releasing it, you still have skills to back away if need be.  Pain will not destroy you. 

"I hold onto my pain because ________________________________________.  If I process the pain and release it, I will lose _________________________________ and I will gain________________________________________________________."

Myth #4: True Change is Impossible

No one particularly likes the process of change.  Yet, healing and change are the same thing.  We cannot heal without first investigating what behavioral patterns and attitudes we need to alter.  Once these characteristics are identified, we have to DO something about them.  Willingness and action bring about change that results in healing.  You have to want it more than you want the "safety of the norm" you think you walk in. It requires determination! 
 
"I often don't believe change is possible because _____________________________.
 
It is also possible I am hoping change is not possible so I don't have to deal with 

__________________________ or take responsibility to begin to ________________

___________________________________________."

Consider checking out our Connections Community online - to get the skills necessary to overcome and the support needed while you change!  
Check it out:  http://connections.kajabi.com/fe/76945-connect

What is worth fighting for?

I heard this question today on the radio.  What is worth fighting for? I posted the question on Facebook and got some wonderful answers:  me, life, love, dignity, truth, justice.  All worth fighting for.

But my mind didn't stop with that question.  In tumbled additional thoughts:
1. So, fighting means there is an adversary - so who am I fighting when I choose to fight (as suggested), for me?

• I could be fighting restrictions from others.
• I could be fighting my internal thoughts.
• I could be fighting me.

Or if I'm fighting for dignity, or truth, who or what am I fighting?  You have to have some knowledge of the adversary.

2. If I choose to fight for any of the above mentioned things, what are my weapons?  What do I use; what is in my hands, my heart or my thoughts that will help me win this battle? You have to be equipped.

Pretty good questions!  Why ask them? 

Because every day I spend time with people fighting back. People who are living on a battlefield they didn't create.  People who now have to find the strength to identify what they are fighting for; who is the "enemy" and what weapon is needed to take out that enemy.  And it is exhausting!  And they need our support!

I remind them "you have to fight for it."  You have to want whatever "it" is more than you want to stay where you are.  You have to fight through the denial, the pain, the shame, the fears.  I remind them that they were created with power.  Inside them are the tools to win!  They have what they need to do the battle.  And I'll help them as they go.

Because it is SO worth fighting for!

Denial is not a safe place

Some things are really hard to know and accept as reality.  Who among us really wants to be faced with the ugliness and hurt of the world? Sex abuse falls into that category of "I don't want to know."  It is extremely difficult to acknowledge that it is present in our world - or even more difficult to acknowledge that it might have been in your world. 

That's why we so often choose denial!  It appears that denial brings relief from feeling the pain of an intolerable truth.  It appears that denial insulates you from being hurt again.  And it appears that through the glasses of denial you can move successfully through life.

And for a time, denial may accomplish all those things.  But not really.

The truth is still there, impacting your beliefs and thus your behaviors.  The emotions are still there, perhaps causing you digestive problems or severe headaches.  And most challenging, the thinking and behaviors adopted in trauma, and often not recognized, actually create vulnerability in your life.  Denial does not keep you safe. What do I mean? 

• Suppose you choose to deny the disregard you experienced in sex abuse. You now have no radar to recognize when you might be experiencing disregard in current relationships.
• Suppose you choose to deny that Uncle Jim molested you.  You now have no power to stay away from either the Uncle or anyone else who is unsafe.

Choosing to come out of denial and "know what you already know", provides power to live in authenticity. Knowledge is power.  That knowledge equips you to make decisions based on truth. You can make decisions that create safety and honor the value of you. Fears that may have haunted you are understood and conquered. The truth does set you free - to be a powerful you!

Creating, Sustaining or Destroying

First, thank you for reading this blog.  So much information is now available all the time; it can be a bit overwhelming and time consuming.  I appreciate you spending some time here.  :)

Do you remember the movie Groundhog Day?  Every day the central character would wake up to the same events.  Every day he went through the same routine experiencing things again and again.  Sometimes my life feels like that - getting up to do the same things again and again.  Sometimes it feels as if life is on autopilot and I have little power to shift things.  That's not true.

At Connections we teach about the "power of agreement."  When you align your thinking and your emotions with a concept, a belief or a behavior, then your personal energy, or personal power, is utilized to either create, sustain or destroy.  You are daily exercising personal power, even in your "groundhog day" life. 

It works like this.  You are either:

• Creating: Our definition of creativity is approaching a need, task, or an idea from a new perspective. And letting go of the old perspective. Don't like the way things are unfolding for you?  Create a new possibility. Shift your power of agreement away from what needs to shift and align with where you want to go.  You can open a new door by shifting your power of agreement.
• Sustaining: At the core of the groundhog day experience is keeping everything the same.  Often our power of agreement sustains the wounds and dysfunction that hurts.  We accept the belief that we can't change; or that we are unlovable, and the outcome that reinforces that belief is sustained. On the positive side, you can sustain the healthy aspects of your life as well by aligning your power of agreement in that direction.
• Destroying:  I have made a conscious decision to shift unhelpful legacies within my family.  Legacies are those often overlooked patterns of thinking or behaviors that are passed from generation to generation.  I no longer agree with the ones that stifle or hurt.  I'm shifting my power of agreement and destroying those hurtful legacies.

Yes, there are patterns that shape your life.  But you are not powerless!  You don't have to live a groundhog day life!

Carrying the Broken Pieces

I've got an idea about what I want to share with you.  I have a picture in my mind that I'm trying to describe - but when I ponder it, I experience a heaviness of heart that slows me down; because I know the picture is so real for so many people, including me.

None of us are perfect parents or siblings.  And none of us are perfect friends, wives or husbands. That leaves each of us, with at the very least, wounds of heart and more likely, broken pieces of self. Most of us hardly acknowledge the broken pieces.  We put one foot in front of the other, meeting the expectations of life and just keep going. Carrying the broken pieces of ourselves with us as if there is no alternative.

The picture I'm pondering is just that. Unacknowledged disregard, the unexpressed emotional pain of rejection; the secret of sex abuse and its accompanying impact. All broken pieces carried inside.  The heaviness of that burden robs us of joy, contentment, connection and fulfillment.

I want to shift that picture.  You can shift that picture. It hurts more to not acknowledge and process your reality than it does to know your reality and move through it fully engaged. That is a truth I understand personally and professionally.

Oh my!  As I envision all of us advancing through restoration and healing the broken pieces of self, the picture does change.  And our world changes as all the amazing aspects of you are reinstated, they become available to unlock the treasure you carry.  You have a unique contribution we all need!

The core skills of restoration:  recognizing, internalizing, the power of agreement and responsibility are the tools to change the broken pieces into wholeness.  Join us as we journey.  We need the treasure of you!