I'm telling you up front that this title is a bait and switch - so you might want to leave right now! Ha! You may have thought that I was going to talk about how challenging it is to hold on while you work to overcome trauma.
I'm not.
I want to express my perplexity as I watch people hold on to the things that hurt them. I see people hold on to their story; hold on to the emotions, the dysfunctional behaviors, and the lies they believe. All the things that keep them trapped in anxiety, depression, and hurtful relationships. It baffles me. It confuses me. And it exhausts me.
Do I sound unsympathetic? I'm not. I am sympathetic to the reality of what each person has endured. Do I sound ignorant? I'm not. I am aware of the atrocities perpetrated and the devastating impact, and the work it takes to shift. Do I sound worn out? Maybe.
As I've pondered why some people do the work of shifting, and why some remain in the cycle of seeking healing, I've come to the conclusion that it all boils down to willingness. I know the things we tell ourselves about the "why" we don't make the shifts to set ourselves free. I know that one of the core forces of resistance is fear. That is a given! Typically, when we hear about people's fear, we either validate it as real, (which it is) or suggest courage as a means to overcome it. But I believe the skill necessary is deeper than that - it takes willingness to engage the courage. It takes finding the will inside to say, "no matter what," I'm going to overcome.
I was scared when I realized I was losing a 26 year marriage. I could have allowed the fear of the unknown, or of what people would think to keep me trapped. I could have put away all that I had learned about myself and settle back down into what I knew how to do. I had to be willing to turn my world upside down.
So my question to all of us is:
Why do you hold on to the things that are hindering your life?
If you discover that ultimately you aren't willing to make the shift, find a safe way to live in what you are experiencing. Disarm the internal conflict created by seeking healing you are not willing to take. No judgement! Just accepting the reality of what you are willing and not willing to do. Even that will set you free.
I agree, fear is the main reason to hinder change. No doubt about that. Why hold on to things that are hindering my life?
ReplyDeleteFor me it is the fear of falling apart, breaking into pieces where I cannot function anymore. It is the fear of being all alone with insufficient support to deal with this tremendous pain.
I see a counselor but that’s only 1 hour out of 168 hours the week holds (technically even less, considering that it’s never one full hour), so less than 99.40% of the time, I cannot count on that support. When being in so much pain and desperation, those 50 minutes are essential but in fact hardly any support at all (I am not sure if you can understand this being at the other side).
My environment doesn’t understand trauma and it’s impacts. They expect me to ‘get over it’, they would not support ‘attention seeking’ behavior but expect that I man up and deal with life. I am responsible for children. I want to do everything that is in my power to not have my life impact them. I cannot fall apart because I have to take care of them.
Change is a long process. It is painful. It comes with a lot of raw, scary realizations and acceptance. It can put you into a turmoil of darkness and depression out of which one might not get alone.
With the current emotional state (not great at all), I can somehow deal with (dissociation, etc.) It surely isn’t ideal. It is not a good life, maybe not a real life at all. I realize that. I want change. Yet, as of how it is now I know how to deal with it. When things change, I don’t know any more what to do.
It is the fear of getting lost on the way to a better life due to lack of guidance.
Not sure if that makes sense, I'm not very good explaining what is going on for me.
I understand fear is there, and we all do need support. But I believe that living with the fears was harder on me than making the changes that set me free from the fear. I decided (years ago when I was a mom of young ones too) that I had to be willing to make changes even if no one understood (they didn't) or supported me, (they didn't) or cared about how hard it was (they didn't). I had to be willing to no longer give them the power and control to keep me living in fear and other unhealthy ways of living
ReplyDeleteJen, thank you for such a thoughtful response! I totally grasp the need for support. You might want to consider checking out Connections Community on-line for some additional support. (http://connections.kajabi.com/fe/77028-transform)
ReplyDeleteI agree that change is a long process. I do believe that it can be done without falling apart as you utilize current and new skills to process and manage change. Ultimately if you are willing, it will happen. Thanks for sharing!