Head Games

Oh my - The news segment was called, "Head Games" and instantly had my attention. I watched as the reporter put on a heavy goggle headset and stepped into virtual reality.  Immediately what the reporter was seeing was altered.  Instead of a solid room, he saw a plank stretching across an abyss.  When he was asked to step across the plank, his hesitation was tangible.  His distorted view felt more real than the reality he knew was there.

Of course my mind thought of the work I do with trauma.  Events in life, whether sexual abuse, natural disasters or loss can distort perceptions and reality - much like the headset the reporter put on.

I explored the definition of "virtual" and discovered that it meant, "being so in effect, although not in actual fact or name."  Effect is an important word here as well.  Effect is "result, anything brought about by a cause, influence, an impression made on the mind." 

Whoa - The event of experiencing sex abuse makes an impression on the mind that is not an actual fact!  Don't turn away!  Hear this clearly - I'm not saying that the fact that you experienced sexual abuse isn't true.  You know what happened.  What isn't true is what you believe about yourself; the effect, the impression made on your mind!

Much like the virtual reality headset, the event of sex abuse locked your mind in a vise grip that distorts your thinking. You are not what happened to you. You are not destroyed.  You are not shameful.  You are not worthless. The emotions will not kill you.  You absolutely can conquer this. Now you fill in the blank with what that vise grip tells you, because you are not________.  It is your distorted virtual reality.

By the end of the news piece the reporter felt dizzy.  It wasn't until he took off that headset and restored his vision to see the truth about the room he was in, that the dizziness left.

Do the same.  Use the restoration skills and recognize what the head games are saying to you.  What did sex abuse cause you to believe?  Then shift your power of agreement, knowing that what you believe is an effect and not reality, and agree with the truth of who you are.  Utilize the positive feedback from safe people and exchange the effect and internalize the truth of your intrinsic value.

Take off the Headset!
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4 Myths that make healing nearly impossible

I believe that it is possible to overcome the impact of sex abuse!  I don't have a specific a,b,c of what that looks like; you decide what healing might look like for you.  I would, however, offer for consideration the definition that you have overcome the impact when sex abuse is not how you filter your world.  You have overcome when you walk in the strength and power of authentic identity, no longer accepting the "story of sex abuse" as who you are.

We appreciate the work of Caroline Myss, who offers the term, "woundology" to describe the reality that victims typically redefine their lives around their wounds in a process of accepting them.  These 4 myths come from her work. To help you explore them, we have added our "fill-in-the-blanks" worksheet. 

 Myth #1:  My life is defined by my wound. 

It is virtually impossible not to be influenced by a personal history of emotional or psychological wounds. Sadly, most victims convince themselves that their lives are only a compilation of their wounds and that they feel they can do little to heal, other than to share their stories and manage the impact.

To release the grip of this myth you must take more responsibility for the quality of your life. 

"Sometimes I make excuses for why I am not focusing on doing more positive things in my life such as (be specific) ________________________________.  The excuse I use most often is _____________________________________.  There are times I compare my history of wounds because _________________________________________.  If I feel more wounded than someone else, I often feel more empowered because____________________________________________."

Myth #2: Being healthy means being alone.

Sometimes people believe that once they are healed they will no longer have emotional or psychological needs and therefore all support for what is happening in their lives will be gone forever.  The truth is that whether or not we are healed or are in the process of healing we will always need loving friends and family; a community based not just on wounds or neediness, but on shared interests and emotional nurturing.

"I am afraid that if I heal, my support people will___________________________
When I picture myself as healed I see _______________________________ with me.
Emotional wounds may be a source of bonding with others and healing from those wounds may  mean__________________________________________________."

Myth #3: Feeling pain means being destroyed by pain.

The opposite is actually true:  Not feeling your pain will destroy you.  Pain collected in the body causes physical aches and illness. Identifying and expressing the reality of your emotional pain releases you from the weight of it, and releases you from a constant connection to the trauma.  The pain can feel overwhelming because it has accumulated over the years.  As you move towards owning the pain, releasing it, you still have skills to back away if need be.  Pain will not destroy you. 

"I hold onto my pain because ________________________________________.  If I process the pain and release it, I will lose _________________________________ and I will gain________________________________________________________."

Myth #4: True Change is Impossible

No one particularly likes the process of change.  Yet, healing and change are the same thing.  We cannot heal without first investigating what behavioral patterns and attitudes we need to alter.  Once these characteristics are identified, we have to DO something about them.  Willingness and action bring about change that results in healing.  You have to want it more than you want the "safety of the norm" you think you walk in. It requires determination! 
 
"I often don't believe change is possible because _____________________________.
 
It is also possible I am hoping change is not possible so I don't have to deal with 

__________________________ or take responsibility to begin to ________________

___________________________________________."

Consider checking out our Connections Community online - to get the skills necessary to overcome and the support needed while you change!  
Check it out:  http://connections.kajabi.com/fe/76945-connect

Getting Through

This phrase has been haunting me since I heard it expressed in a meeting last week.  At the time it was used in connection to people who find themselves in life circumstances that appear insurmountable. When we say, "we'll get through", it denotes that there is a destination in mind, that we are getting through to something.  And if there is a destination in mind, there is a measure of expectation to get somewhere. And some won't achieve that. They will always feel as if they aren't making it.

I find that every day seems to have something "to get through."  And I don't think that phrase points to a specific destination.  As soon as I get through one thing, there is another one to overcome. I think "to get through" points to how we maneuver our way through the experiences and challenges of life. 

This week my constant companion, my dog Teagan, died unexpectedly. A huge loss that I have to manage. A dear friend with compassion for my hurt said, "you're a strong women, you'll get through this."  I was puzzled by that statement because, although my friend did not mean this, it felt as if because I'm "strong"my experience of getting through this should be swift and easy. That isn't the case. 

So, I've decided that getting through something is definitely not about getting somewhere. It is not about an end result. It is about being authentic in the reality of the experience. It is about naming and expressing the deep emotional reactions; yes, both the joy and sorrow, the scared, the angry, and the hope. 

Getting through means that you recognize the reality, pass through the emotions and connect to those around you who can journey with you. It's about being vulnerable and honest with yourself and those around you.  Its about accepting help and hugs when needed.  Its about being connected both inside and out.

It is actually when you don't embrace the reality, or express the emotions and learn from the experience that you don't "get through."

So, in my getting through the loss of Teagan, I am feeling her absence; smiling when I remember a special behavior, crying when I sit down and she doesn't jump up, and speaking her name as many times as I need to. 

I'm getting through.

No Re-wear for me!

You know by now that I don't usually think the way other people think.  I hear a word and it gets my mind thinking in a totally different direction.  So, on Sunday the Oscars were on television. I decided to ignore it totally.  The reasons?  I think movie stars are given more attention and power than they deserve and I grow weary of hearing, "Who are you wearing?"  Who cares, really?

Then I heard Gayle King, (CBS) later remark that she had on a "re-wear."

Hmmmm, odd term.  Re-wear. In the movie star world you never wear an old dress.  Instead you wear a "designer dress", something made especially for you.  It is unique. Has status.  Provides recognition. Something that makes a statement about who you are.

Okay, here's my leap of thought.

All of us have a "designer dress."  It was designed with you in mind.  It shows off your best side.  It has a purpose.  It is beautiful.  It is unique.  It makes a statement.  Provides recognition.  Makes an impact.  So what is your "designer dress?"  It is your authentic identity!  Created by Creator God to define you, equip you and propel you into destiny.

Seldom do we wear it.  For our designer dress gets covered over by circumstances, actions against us, things we tell ourselves and things others say about us.  We walk clothed in a "re-wear."

So, I'm thinking, it's not cool to wear a re-wear.  The people who walk in their designer dress get admiration; even awards! That's what I'm talking about!  Decided: I'm going to continue to do the work of Restoration - to uncover who I was designed to be!

I'm going to wear my designer dress today! And be on the lookout for my academy award.  Maybe someone will even come up to me and ask, "Who are you wearing?"

The Ultimate Revenge

The Ultimate Revenge
It's a normal reaction and question.  We ask it when someone we love dies.  We ask it when there is a terrible accident.  And the victim of sex abuse asks it in the journey to restoration.  "WHY?"  

Sometimes people are quick to offer an answer.  Things like, "He was drunk", "You were an affectionate kid" or "She was a pervert". None of those answers bring any relief, and actually create deeper harm.  

There is no answer to the question, "Why did he do it?" that will make any sense or bring any satisfaction. There is no good answer.  There is no solid response as to why that will help you feel better.

Focusing on that question will keep you stuck. It's like seeing a mountain in front of you that blocks the view.  It stands in your way of progress. When you continually ask, "Why?", you remain tied to the abuser in a way that prevents you from moving through to processing the real impact: the beliefs born of trauma and the emotional pain.  As long as you stay focused on a question that can't be answered and provides no sense of relief, you remain in the fallout of trauma and the abuser wins!  He or she is still in control!  How?  Because the beliefs, thoughts and emotions hide behind that unanswerable question and control your behaviors and wreck havoc in your life.

You can have the last word!  You can have the ultimate revenge!  That revenge is moving beyond the "why's" to exploring how sex abuse impacted you; take down the destructive beliefs born of trauma, and become all you were created capable of being.  When you do the hard work of shifting beliefs and using your power of agreement, and walk in the freedom of you - the abuser loses control!  

It's the ultimate revenge!  Become who you were created to be!

Be your own Hero

Over the holiday I watched a movie (twice actually!) called, "The Four Minute Mile" that reflected the paradigm about authentic identity that I breathe and live.  In short, it is about a young boy in a difficult family dynamic who loves to run and aspires to be great at it.  He connects to a coach who sees he has been trying to run the wrong race and helps him grasp that he is designed to run the mile, not the 400.  He calls forth identity in this young man.

As the young man is training and attempting to connect to the ability to run the mile, the coach says to him:

      "You got something so deep in there.  Face that fear and beat it.  If you face that fear
        it will change your life.  It will be the hardest thing to do.  There will be the moment
        you can't breathe. Push through it!  It's beautiful!"

Oh my!  This is the restoration journey!  Finding what you were created to be, identifying the obstacles, and pushing through to the beautiful place of "being".

This week at Connections we are looking at being your own hero.  That's what it means!
A hero is someone who goes through a great change!  Reconnecting to authentic identity is that great change!  Facing whatever is in the way and plowing through it is the key!

As we start this new year my deep desire for us all is that we become our own hero!

Let's journey together and do it!

Sensitivity Hijacked

Restoration - becoming all you were created capable of being!

We have this amazing sheet art piece, the "Handprint Banner", on which victims of sex abuse have written about how sex abuse impacted them.  Central to many of the statements is the question, "Who am I?"  Thus, core to our restoration model is the process of reconnecting to parts of identity by removing any disregard or damage done to them.

We typically start by exploring character qualities - we all have them and can be discovered pretty quickly.  Character qualities are those guiding principles behind the scene.  They can be impacted by sex abuse and require some adjustment.

This week we have explored sensitivity.  Sensitivity is an awareness and understanding of how other people are feeling. The victim of sex abuse absolutely has sensitivity - an often heightened and distorted sense of sensitivity.  For example she is sensitive to:

• The nuances of the perpetrator:  They are sensitive to such things as movements and breathing; always vigilant to sense the mood shifts in anticipation of the actions of the person who hurts them.
• The nuances of even "safe people".  On guard to protect themselves from rejection or possible hurt, they are sensitive to body language, i.e. facial expressions, breathing, tone; anticipating what they might need to do to protect themselves.
• The escape route in the room:  Sensitive to where the door is, perhaps choosing to face it in order to have a sense of power.
• Sensitive to read people in a room; who appears to be a danger; who might be safe.

The character quality of sensitivity was designed to create intimacy and connection.  The appropriate use of sensitivity allows me to recognize your emotional state and need so that I can meet you there; so that we can feel connected.  Sensitivity was not designed to be a means of discerning danger.

When the victim of sex abuse does the work of recognizing how a character trait has been hijacked, they then have power to shift it - clean it off - and gain the freedom to connect to their authentic identity in the purpose and design in which it was formed.

Freedom to have access to all aspects of identity and live out of their authentic purpose is AMAZING!

Overcome a poverty mindset

Learning to" live without" is actually an overlooked impact of being victimized by sex abuse.

• The victim learns to live in silence and live without voice.
•  Losing the ability to trust means you live without connection and intimacy.  
• Realizing you are not safe in your home  means you live without a sense of well being. 
• Having your body violated, you learn to live without boundaries.

For the victim of sex abuse, this "living without" translates into developing a poverty mindset.  This mindset keeps the victim trapped in thinking "I can't have", or "I don't deserve." Couple this with the emotion of shame, and the poverty mindset becomes really strong.

Safe people around him show him love and acceptance and he can't receive it.  She is encouraged to ask for what she needs, but she doesn't.  She makes sure her children have the latest style clothes, but she won't get them for herself.  A poverty mindset at work.

Why is it important to recognize this concept?  Because a poverty mindset keeps the victim of sex abuse trapped in patterns of behaviors that reinforce the belief that she doesn't deserve.  In addition, it has the potential to set up a pattern of behavior in which the victim needs to have constant validation of worth in order to silence the whisper of her wounds.  Because the poverty mindset blocks her from internalizing the safe intimacy, and safe love offered, she must hear it again and again.  That can get tiring for the people around her.  And that can trap the victim in thinking she needs to hold onto the wound so she can hear the affirmations she needs.

Use your power of agreement and take down the poverty mindset.  Align your thinking, will and emotions with the truth that ALL human beings deserve and need love, care, nurturing and acceptance.

The Trigger is Gone!

It happens almost every time.  The push back when I share the possibility of restoration. People are skeptical - I get it! Our culture is so blanketed in the status quo, that we dismiss our power to change.

Last night one of the attendees at the training could not believe that it was possible to conquer the impact of sex abuse.  Her question to me was:  "Do you mean to tell me that if the perpetrator came near her (the restored survivor) she would not be triggered?"  My response: " She would not be triggered.  She most likely will have an emotional reaction in the now moment, but she has the tools to process that now emotion without experiencing the trauma again."

Then this morning I had a conversation with a Connections alumni who spoke of seeing a former husband and feeling disgusted and shameful.  She was worried that she would fall into old thinking and behavior patterns.  As we talked further, she stated that in the moment she had a new awareness of what she had lived through, and felt emotions that reflected her experience. That is healthy!  She did not, however, get flooded with memories or experience the internal reinforcement of being shameful.  Her trigger is gone!

Here's what I have understood as a result of these two back to back conversations:

A trigger is something, i.e. a smell, a sound, a piece of clothing, an emotion,  or anything that has the power to take you back to re-experiencing unresolved trauma.

Your emotions by themselves are not a trigger! The unresolved trauma connected to the emotion, (or smell, etc.) is. When you do the hard work of facing the trauma, processing emotions, shifting beliefs born of that trauma and reconnect to authentic identity - the trigger dismantles.  You are free to experience life in the now and not from the past.

Yes, you can learn to relax when it is dusk. 
Yes, you can learn to receive a hug and not quake.
Yes, you can smell that aftershave and not get nauseous!

Yes you can dismantle triggers!

Destiny is Purpose Fulfilled

Remember the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  Did you want to be that fireman, or that nurse?  I wanted to be a teacher, mostly because I thought it was the only option for me.  I had no concept of authentic identity or the idea that I carried within me a recipe for what I should be.  And then I met victims of childhood sex abuse and discovered through their desire to overcome, the concept of being restored to authentic identity.

Each of us has experiences in life that cause us to make adaptations in what we believe about self. These beliefs overshadow the truth of who we were created to be.  The victim of sex abuse may believe they are disgusting and disconnect from a sense of value. The person who thinks creatively may disconnect from that attribute believing it gets them in trouble.  The person who is curious disconnects from that attribute because people get tired of dealing with it.  Yet, all of those characteristics are absolutely part of what makes that person whole.  AND those attributes are exactly what are needed to accomplish destiny, or the purpose of one's life.  Your internal blueprint, your authentic identity, holds the key to walking in destiny.

The title of the recent bestseller, "The Purpose Driven Life", resounds with the desire we all have:  to live a life that has purpose and meaning.  It is natural to want to make an impact, to accomplish something that brings a sense of fulfillment. You were designed with purpose in mind.  Your authentic identity contains everything you need to do just that.

Unfortunately, often we end up living out of fate.  Fate is the path we take that is defined by the circumstances we live.  Destiny is the path we take defined by our authentic identity.

It takes hard work to override some circumstances. Poverty, neglect and sex abuse are circumstances that can be very challenging to override.  Restoration skills, such as recognizing the impact, recognizing your internal strengths, internalizing new truths, and using your power of agreement can absolutely shift you from fate to destiny!

And that means you live a purpose driven life!

The Art of Complacency

WARNING:  This post is not for the faint of heart!

There is no magic formula.  There is no 1, 2, 3 step program.  There is no book you can read.  And there is no therapist who can fix what is destroying your hope and stealing your future.  Any of those things are simply tools - they don't create the change and freedom you seek.  YOU DO!

We have become complacent. 

We think if we have read that book we have done something.

We think if we hold a heated conversation about a volatile topic we have done something.

We think if we attended the meeting, or sat through the conference we have done something.

We think if we enact that new law, we have done something.

And things remain the same.  Complacency.

It kills new ideas.

It repeats patterns that bring destruction.

It breeds hopelessness and despair.

It diverts us from our potential and power.

You have to come out of complacency!

You need to be discontent and unwilling to accept the status quo. 

No longer is it okay to only identify what is in your way of change, i.e. fear, rejection, insecurity.  If you want to change your life and thus change the world in which you live YOU will look at that obstacle and say, HELL NO!  

YOU have to USE the tools.  Don't just say the words. SHIFT from the inside.  That is where you connect to your power.

YOU must do the work of internalizing new truth, making internal exchanges and stop giving your power away.  

DO IT! - fire up your resolve - connect to your passion - DO IT!

Can we shift the story we live in?

The women gathered around the table were of varying generations and perspectives.  It was an eclectic looking group with one goal: create a follow-up event to a recent "Status of Women" expo.  Our first task was to select a focus for the event, i.e., around what topic would we build?

When the brainstorming session began I was struck with an understanding that each suggestion was framed around the individual stories that each woman carried.  Each brought to the table the "story" either assigned to her by culture or applied to her by experience. The suggestions focused on what had happened to women.  I could feel the room drain from hope to gloom. 

So I opened my mouth and spun a different story.  "Can't we create a different conversation?  What if we shift our stories to focus on the strengths of women, the core qualities and positive aspects of women rather than stay under the labels and barriers?"  They were stunned.  And the hope rose in the room.

The stories we tell, and the stories we invest in create the framework for how we conduct our lives.  They either confine us or create possibility.

It's the difference between fate and destiny.  Perhaps you've heard me talk about this before.  Fate is the path that we take when we allow circumstances to define us.  Destiny is the path we take when we shift the story by living out of the strengths of our identity.

Restoration is about identifying the restraints of story and shifting them.  It's about changing the relationship you have with "the story".  It's about fighting back, standing up and saying, "I will not be confined by your perspective or actions." 

You absolutely can shift the story in which you live!

Alleged - Really?

Does it bug you like it does me?  The use of the word "alleged" when a perpetrator is identified? I understand the concept of our justice system - don't think it works well - but I understand the concept.  I don't think that the court jargon should be mandated outside the courtroom. 

An alleged victim - The alleged perpetrator - Are you serious?

We know the crime of sex abuse is shrouded in silence and secrecy.  That alone messes with someones perspective.  Then add to that the reality that the mother who volunteers at PTA, bakes cookies for the class parties and checks on the elderly neighbor is the same mother who comes in at night and molests!  Living in both worlds leaves a victim wondering if her truth is just an unfounded allegation.  Gut instincts become blurred and the loss of a major safety indicator; one's gut instincts, becomes crippled.

Don't get hung up on if your memories or experiences are validated.  That will stall your progress in restoration.  Whether it happened the way you remember or not is not the issue.  What it did to your heart and spirit is.

You know your truth!  You may never have it confirmed.  You may never have complete recall; but your know your truth!  You see the impact in your thinking, behaviors and heart. You know what happened to you.  And in that knowing, accepting it as fact, lies the power to undo the damage.

Denial is not a safe place

Some things are really hard to know and accept as reality.  Who among us really wants to be faced with the ugliness and hurt of the world? Sex abuse falls into that category of "I don't want to know."  It is extremely difficult to acknowledge that it is present in our world - or even more difficult to acknowledge that it might have been in your world. 

That's why we so often choose denial!  It appears that denial brings relief from feeling the pain of an intolerable truth.  It appears that denial insulates you from being hurt again.  And it appears that through the glasses of denial you can move successfully through life.

And for a time, denial may accomplish all those things.  But not really.

The truth is still there, impacting your beliefs and thus your behaviors.  The emotions are still there, perhaps causing you digestive problems or severe headaches.  And most challenging, the thinking and behaviors adopted in trauma, and often not recognized, actually create vulnerability in your life.  Denial does not keep you safe. What do I mean? 

• Suppose you choose to deny the disregard you experienced in sex abuse. You now have no radar to recognize when you might be experiencing disregard in current relationships.
• Suppose you choose to deny that Uncle Jim molested you.  You now have no power to stay away from either the Uncle or anyone else who is unsafe.

Choosing to come out of denial and "know what you already know", provides power to live in authenticity. Knowledge is power.  That knowledge equips you to make decisions based on truth. You can make decisions that create safety and honor the value of you. Fears that may have haunted you are understood and conquered. The truth does set you free - to be a powerful you!

Stay on the Path

Yesterday I took down the Christmas tree and "officially" closed the holiday season in my home.  I now face January; the start of 2014.  I'm standing at the head of a path, peering down into a new year and wondering.

Before me I see possibility and challenges. Sometimes more challenges than possibility!  I have a choice to make:  Do I focus on that looming challenging mountain, or do I look through the mountain to embrace and push through to reach the possibility?  Can I muster what it will take to overcome?  Where do I find the strength and hope needed to get through the obstacles I will face? 

And the answer resonates within my heart:  In my authentic identity!

I was created with a deep determination and an "I won't stop" attitude.  I also was created with a heart for God and a connection to His leading.  I determine today to tap into those aspects of my identity. That will give me what I need to stay on the path in 2014!

Join me in entering 2014 and keep in mind these things:
1.  Who you were created to be is exactly what you need to maneuver through what lies ahead.
2.  Don't let the obstacles ahead draw you off the path of your destiny!  Stand your ground.  Fight for it! Whatever is on your path is yours to overcome!  In overcoming you develop the key to open the next door to destiny.
3.  Don't settle and rest in the negative oppression of what you know or experience.  You were created for more and have what it takes to move into the new!  Your inheritance is secured on the path.
4.  When faced with a crossroad, be still, recalculate, look at the consequences and rewards at the junction.  Contemplate, reflect and choose with wisdom and strength.  Then you can move forward in confidence.

I will journey with you!  Stay connected! 
Happy New Year - Stay on the Path!

Moving obstacles out of the way!

I always try to leave home early, especially when I'm the scheduled speaker! Last night I was so glad I did.  The road I was traveling was two lanes, with one lane designated as no parking, from 4:00pm-6:00pm.  It was now 6:09pm, and there up ahead in my lane was a parked car.  Rats!

As I pulled up behind the parked car, simultaneously in the left lane a car slowed down and stopped, directly next to the parked car.  The driver valiantly tried to restart his car several times.  It became apparent that his car was disabled and he wasn't going anywhere! 

I was stunned.  For my way was totally blocked.  I could see my destination just down the road as a wave of "oh no" washed over me.  Those that know me, know that I'm a pretty determined woman.  Fierce sometimes in my determination to not give up.  Passionate in my resolve to accomplish the assignment upon my life. 

My mind began to look for solutions, for NOTHING was going to stop me from showing up to this important gathering! I got out of my car, and first wondered if I could find who owned the parked car, prepared to knock on the door of the house. Then, the driver and the passenger in the disabled car got out and came towards me. Meanwhile the backup grew and people sat in their cars, watching, probably grumbling.  Together, we decided to push his car to the side as his passenger got behind the wheel to steer.  Another man joined us, and we pushed the car out of the lane, releasing the traffic flow.

As I got back in my car I realized that now my lane was still blocked and the people who had sat unresponsive were now moving freely.  Not fair!  Once again, determined not to be stopped by the  choices and circumstances of others, I thrust my left hand out my window, used my hand as a stop sign, and forced my way over into the now moving lane.  (My Chicago driving habits kicked into gear.  Ha!) I will not be denied the movement I desire and need!

Friends, The journey to connect to authentic identity and become all you were created capable of being is much like my drive last night.  Obstacles will rise up.  Others will block and impede your progress.  Moving forward in light of that means that you dig deep, tap into your determination and desire and PUSH the obstacle out of the way!

Some people will help, some will sit complacently by the side and enjoy the benefits of your hard work.  It will be difficult, it will be challenging.  But you reap the rewards of the freedom to keep on moving and discover that you CAN!

Why was I so determined?  Because I was going to speak to a large gathering of people desiring to hear about the impact of sex abuse and find hope in restoration!  Obstacle get out of my way!  I am a woman on assignment, living out of passion and purpose!  I and those who will join me will not be denied.

Living in the moment

We are having an unusual summer in Cincinnati.  Cool temperatures with no humidity!  I find myself really enjoyng it, but waiting, poised for the REAL weather to show up. 

My grandchildren are off playing and I hear the giggles, but I'm waiting, poised for the cry that will come when one of them gets hurt or disappointed.

I catch myself in these thoughts of waiting for the bad stuff to happen, and sigh - then feel the tension in my body.  Why is it that living in the moment is so difficult?  Why is it that I rob myself of experiencing the pleasure of the moments I'm in? 

I find this challenge is something many of us struggle with.  It is the history and experience of our past that informs our preparation for the future, and we skip right over the now.  And when we do, our expectation of the negative is fulfilled as we pull it in to our atmosphere and miss the pleasure that is available. 

Just being in the moment isn't safe.  I hear all the "should's" in my head: You must be prepared to manage the emotion that will erupt in a minute.  You must anticipate the needs of others. You must not take in the joy because that will make the sorrow even bigger.  You've got to be in control so you don't acknowledge your lack of power.  All the should's, they rob me.

In this moment my 5 year old grandaughter runs into the room laughing as she brings me her dress up clothes to help her become Snow White.....I look into her eyes, see the joy in her "now".  I'm drawn into her world, and decide to drop all my shoulds.  Some moments are too precious too miss.

Occupy your land

This journey of restoring authentic identity is a battle!  Think of it this way:  someone has crossed a boundary and has invaded your territory.  This invader has imposed new rules of thinking and behaving and your healthy sense of identity has been submerged under this tyrant.

You have decided to declare war on this invasion and throw out the rules, thoughts and behaviors the invader left behind.  These rules, thoughts and behaviors cripple you and unless defeated, will define your life. 

You are going to stop running from "knowing what you know", turn around, face the reality of what you experienced and "occupy your land."  It is a place of great strength to stand by your core, recognize your innate value and take it back - occupy it!

It is an action.  It is a reclaiming.  Draw your weapons of restoration by taking responsibility to fight the battle, recognizing the impact of the invasion, identifying your power of agreement and internalize the new truth.  Occupy!

It is victory that is possible! 
www.beyondrecoverytorestoration.com

Fighting the Wrong Battle

The honest truth is that life is difficult.  It is full of disappointment, hurt, confusion and often trauma. How we make it through these challenges, and what we do with them is were the value lies. You have to fight to overcome.  And far too often we end up fighting the wrong battle.

Consider a woman now in domestic violence. Thinking that her only means of stopping the attacks is to adjust her demeanor, or words or behaviors, she battles herself, denies her needs and adjusts.  Consider the adult man victimized by sex abuse as a child.  Thinking that his sexuality is the problem, he battles and denies his natural responses.  A battle has an objective - what would you say is the objective in the battle these two people are fighting? I suggest that in these examples, the objective is to manage the trauma and it's impact. It's the wrong battle.  It's wasted energy.  And it does not produce freedom.

We have to fight for the freedom to be who we were created to be.  We have to fight for our rights, fight for our authentic identity and the power and direction it provides.  We have to fight the belief systems developed from wounding and trauma that tell us we don't matter or have no value. 

Deep inside is the essence of you.  It has not disappeared, it has not been destroyed.  It waits, holding the treasures of your potential and the provision to accomplish it. 

That's the correct battle!

What inside of you needs saving?

I could see the confusion on her 3 year old face.  Corrected for asking too many questions, she was confused, but complied and put away her curiosity.  Thus began her separation from an important part of her identity. 

I could see the confusion on his 43 year old face.  When asked what he enjoyed about his personailty he looked puzzled.  I knew that somehow and at sometime he had separated himself from really knowing and enjoying himself.

Not so unusual really.  As we grow up and experience relationship, we quickly learn what parts of our identity are acceptable and appreciated and which ones cause trouble and anxiety.  And we make adjustments appropriately.  And we lose connection to parts of ourselves.

So, what inside you was put away and needs to be saved?  It could be your determination, your joy, your desire to do or be something, your sense of humor, your creativity, your longings, even your emotions.  What about your internal make-up did you step away from?

You might be wondering, well, if I put it away, it was for a good reason. WHY would I want to reconnect to it?  Because every part of how you were created has purpose!  I believe in the Creator God who designed you and in that design He has a purpose. Everything about you, yes, even the quirky aspects of your personality, fit together to supply you with exactly what is needed for the assignment you have in this life.

I am a tenacious and determined lady!  However, when people could not control me, they would call me stubborn and unteachable.  Neither of which is true, (Okay - in total transparency, I might be stubborn sometimes.  Ha!) Although this tenacity might cause me (and others around me) problems, I absolutely must be tenacious to do the work I do! It is an important part of who I am, even if it causes be problems. 

Take the risk.  Look deeper inside you!  Listen for the whisper inside that longs to be heard. Go on the Restoration Journey and look for what needs to be saved inside you.

www.beyondrecoverytorestoration.com