Getting Through

This phrase has been haunting me since I heard it expressed in a meeting last week.  At the time it was used in connection to people who find themselves in life circumstances that appear insurmountable. When we say, "we'll get through", it denotes that there is a destination in mind, that we are getting through to something.  And if there is a destination in mind, there is a measure of expectation to get somewhere. And some won't achieve that. They will always feel as if they aren't making it.

I find that every day seems to have something "to get through."  And I don't think that phrase points to a specific destination.  As soon as I get through one thing, there is another one to overcome. I think "to get through" points to how we maneuver our way through the experiences and challenges of life. 

This week my constant companion, my dog Teagan, died unexpectedly. A huge loss that I have to manage. A dear friend with compassion for my hurt said, "you're a strong women, you'll get through this."  I was puzzled by that statement because, although my friend did not mean this, it felt as if because I'm "strong"my experience of getting through this should be swift and easy. That isn't the case. 

So, I've decided that getting through something is definitely not about getting somewhere. It is not about an end result. It is about being authentic in the reality of the experience. It is about naming and expressing the deep emotional reactions; yes, both the joy and sorrow, the scared, the angry, and the hope. 

Getting through means that you recognize the reality, pass through the emotions and connect to those around you who can journey with you. It's about being vulnerable and honest with yourself and those around you.  Its about accepting help and hugs when needed.  Its about being connected both inside and out.

It is actually when you don't embrace the reality, or express the emotions and learn from the experience that you don't "get through."

So, in my getting through the loss of Teagan, I am feeling her absence; smiling when I remember a special behavior, crying when I sit down and she doesn't jump up, and speaking her name as many times as I need to. 

I'm getting through.

Denial is not a safe place

Some things are really hard to know and accept as reality.  Who among us really wants to be faced with the ugliness and hurt of the world? Sex abuse falls into that category of "I don't want to know."  It is extremely difficult to acknowledge that it is present in our world - or even more difficult to acknowledge that it might have been in your world. 

That's why we so often choose denial!  It appears that denial brings relief from feeling the pain of an intolerable truth.  It appears that denial insulates you from being hurt again.  And it appears that through the glasses of denial you can move successfully through life.

And for a time, denial may accomplish all those things.  But not really.

The truth is still there, impacting your beliefs and thus your behaviors.  The emotions are still there, perhaps causing you digestive problems or severe headaches.  And most challenging, the thinking and behaviors adopted in trauma, and often not recognized, actually create vulnerability in your life.  Denial does not keep you safe. What do I mean? 

• Suppose you choose to deny the disregard you experienced in sex abuse. You now have no radar to recognize when you might be experiencing disregard in current relationships.
• Suppose you choose to deny that Uncle Jim molested you.  You now have no power to stay away from either the Uncle or anyone else who is unsafe.

Choosing to come out of denial and "know what you already know", provides power to live in authenticity. Knowledge is power.  That knowledge equips you to make decisions based on truth. You can make decisions that create safety and honor the value of you. Fears that may have haunted you are understood and conquered. The truth does set you free - to be a powerful you!

Stay on the Path

Yesterday I took down the Christmas tree and "officially" closed the holiday season in my home.  I now face January; the start of 2014.  I'm standing at the head of a path, peering down into a new year and wondering.

Before me I see possibility and challenges. Sometimes more challenges than possibility!  I have a choice to make:  Do I focus on that looming challenging mountain, or do I look through the mountain to embrace and push through to reach the possibility?  Can I muster what it will take to overcome?  Where do I find the strength and hope needed to get through the obstacles I will face? 

And the answer resonates within my heart:  In my authentic identity!

I was created with a deep determination and an "I won't stop" attitude.  I also was created with a heart for God and a connection to His leading.  I determine today to tap into those aspects of my identity. That will give me what I need to stay on the path in 2014!

Join me in entering 2014 and keep in mind these things:
1.  Who you were created to be is exactly what you need to maneuver through what lies ahead.
2.  Don't let the obstacles ahead draw you off the path of your destiny!  Stand your ground.  Fight for it! Whatever is on your path is yours to overcome!  In overcoming you develop the key to open the next door to destiny.
3.  Don't settle and rest in the negative oppression of what you know or experience.  You were created for more and have what it takes to move into the new!  Your inheritance is secured on the path.
4.  When faced with a crossroad, be still, recalculate, look at the consequences and rewards at the junction.  Contemplate, reflect and choose with wisdom and strength.  Then you can move forward in confidence.

I will journey with you!  Stay connected! 
Happy New Year - Stay on the Path!

Moving obstacles out of the way!

I always try to leave home early, especially when I'm the scheduled speaker! Last night I was so glad I did.  The road I was traveling was two lanes, with one lane designated as no parking, from 4:00pm-6:00pm.  It was now 6:09pm, and there up ahead in my lane was a parked car.  Rats!

As I pulled up behind the parked car, simultaneously in the left lane a car slowed down and stopped, directly next to the parked car.  The driver valiantly tried to restart his car several times.  It became apparent that his car was disabled and he wasn't going anywhere! 

I was stunned.  For my way was totally blocked.  I could see my destination just down the road as a wave of "oh no" washed over me.  Those that know me, know that I'm a pretty determined woman.  Fierce sometimes in my determination to not give up.  Passionate in my resolve to accomplish the assignment upon my life. 

My mind began to look for solutions, for NOTHING was going to stop me from showing up to this important gathering! I got out of my car, and first wondered if I could find who owned the parked car, prepared to knock on the door of the house. Then, the driver and the passenger in the disabled car got out and came towards me. Meanwhile the backup grew and people sat in their cars, watching, probably grumbling.  Together, we decided to push his car to the side as his passenger got behind the wheel to steer.  Another man joined us, and we pushed the car out of the lane, releasing the traffic flow.

As I got back in my car I realized that now my lane was still blocked and the people who had sat unresponsive were now moving freely.  Not fair!  Once again, determined not to be stopped by the  choices and circumstances of others, I thrust my left hand out my window, used my hand as a stop sign, and forced my way over into the now moving lane.  (My Chicago driving habits kicked into gear.  Ha!) I will not be denied the movement I desire and need!

Friends, The journey to connect to authentic identity and become all you were created capable of being is much like my drive last night.  Obstacles will rise up.  Others will block and impede your progress.  Moving forward in light of that means that you dig deep, tap into your determination and desire and PUSH the obstacle out of the way!

Some people will help, some will sit complacently by the side and enjoy the benefits of your hard work.  It will be difficult, it will be challenging.  But you reap the rewards of the freedom to keep on moving and discover that you CAN!

Why was I so determined?  Because I was going to speak to a large gathering of people desiring to hear about the impact of sex abuse and find hope in restoration!  Obstacle get out of my way!  I am a woman on assignment, living out of passion and purpose!  I and those who will join me will not be denied.

Living in the moment

We are having an unusual summer in Cincinnati.  Cool temperatures with no humidity!  I find myself really enjoyng it, but waiting, poised for the REAL weather to show up. 

My grandchildren are off playing and I hear the giggles, but I'm waiting, poised for the cry that will come when one of them gets hurt or disappointed.

I catch myself in these thoughts of waiting for the bad stuff to happen, and sigh - then feel the tension in my body.  Why is it that living in the moment is so difficult?  Why is it that I rob myself of experiencing the pleasure of the moments I'm in? 

I find this challenge is something many of us struggle with.  It is the history and experience of our past that informs our preparation for the future, and we skip right over the now.  And when we do, our expectation of the negative is fulfilled as we pull it in to our atmosphere and miss the pleasure that is available. 

Just being in the moment isn't safe.  I hear all the "should's" in my head: You must be prepared to manage the emotion that will erupt in a minute.  You must anticipate the needs of others. You must not take in the joy because that will make the sorrow even bigger.  You've got to be in control so you don't acknowledge your lack of power.  All the should's, they rob me.

In this moment my 5 year old grandaughter runs into the room laughing as she brings me her dress up clothes to help her become Snow White.....I look into her eyes, see the joy in her "now".  I'm drawn into her world, and decide to drop all my shoulds.  Some moments are too precious too miss.

Occupy your land

This journey of restoring authentic identity is a battle!  Think of it this way:  someone has crossed a boundary and has invaded your territory.  This invader has imposed new rules of thinking and behaving and your healthy sense of identity has been submerged under this tyrant.

You have decided to declare war on this invasion and throw out the rules, thoughts and behaviors the invader left behind.  These rules, thoughts and behaviors cripple you and unless defeated, will define your life. 

You are going to stop running from "knowing what you know", turn around, face the reality of what you experienced and "occupy your land."  It is a place of great strength to stand by your core, recognize your innate value and take it back - occupy it!

It is an action.  It is a reclaiming.  Draw your weapons of restoration by taking responsibility to fight the battle, recognizing the impact of the invasion, identifying your power of agreement and internalize the new truth.  Occupy!

It is victory that is possible! 
www.beyondrecoverytorestoration.com

What inside of you needs saving?

I could see the confusion on her 3 year old face.  Corrected for asking too many questions, she was confused, but complied and put away her curiosity.  Thus began her separation from an important part of her identity. 

I could see the confusion on his 43 year old face.  When asked what he enjoyed about his personailty he looked puzzled.  I knew that somehow and at sometime he had separated himself from really knowing and enjoying himself.

Not so unusual really.  As we grow up and experience relationship, we quickly learn what parts of our identity are acceptable and appreciated and which ones cause trouble and anxiety.  And we make adjustments appropriately.  And we lose connection to parts of ourselves.

So, what inside you was put away and needs to be saved?  It could be your determination, your joy, your desire to do or be something, your sense of humor, your creativity, your longings, even your emotions.  What about your internal make-up did you step away from?

You might be wondering, well, if I put it away, it was for a good reason. WHY would I want to reconnect to it?  Because every part of how you were created has purpose!  I believe in the Creator God who designed you and in that design He has a purpose. Everything about you, yes, even the quirky aspects of your personality, fit together to supply you with exactly what is needed for the assignment you have in this life.

I am a tenacious and determined lady!  However, when people could not control me, they would call me stubborn and unteachable.  Neither of which is true, (Okay - in total transparency, I might be stubborn sometimes.  Ha!) Although this tenacity might cause me (and others around me) problems, I absolutely must be tenacious to do the work I do! It is an important part of who I am, even if it causes be problems. 

Take the risk.  Look deeper inside you!  Listen for the whisper inside that longs to be heard. Go on the Restoration Journey and look for what needs to be saved inside you.

www.beyondrecoverytorestoration.com

Put aside the story assigned to you!

Her eyes tell me she doesn't fully grasp what I'm sharing.  As a young child she was repeatedly molested by family members and she has deep beliefs about her value and who she is.  Hearing that she isn't what happened to her - that the story the molester assigned to her isn't hers - rocks her foundation.

The beliefs based on trauma are so deep that she feels threatened when I offer an alternative.  I get it.  We build our relationships and our world based on internal capacities defined by our experiences.  And it limits us and how we interact and move.  When I suggest that there is more to her, she feels rattled and wonders about this hope.  Can she really become all she was created to be?

Hope comes in strange packages.  It can come in a song, in a whisper from your heart, or in the words of a speaker.  Hearing it is not enough.  The next step is up to you.  What will you do with the hope offered?  Will you explore it?  Will you do the hard work of internalizing it and shifting what you think? 

Put aside the stories others have written for you and discover who you really are!

The Courage to be You!

I'm reading a book by Mark Nepo, Finding Inner Courage, and I'm struck with his understanding of what true courage is.  He says, "The word courage comes from the Latin cor, which literally means heart.  The original use of the word courage means to stand by one's core."  No wonder I'm drawn to this book!

I love that definition!  In the language of restoration it reflects our concept of reconnecting to authentic identity.  Simultaneously I see two pictures of what that means.  First, I see myself drawn to that core, intrigued, standing by it, discovering it, embracing it and protecting it.   And I recognize the courage that it takes to do that exploration.  All the things that have "shaped" my life have left behind a definition of what the world assigned to me as who I am.  And yet, beyond that is the true me.  Pushing through others expectations and definitions to discover me is costly, risky and hard work- it takes courage!

Secondly I see myself standing by my core, living out of what I've uncovered! Immediately I feel the peace and joy of living from authentic identity.  It means that the things I attempt are managed with the power that lies in knowing fully what I bring to the table. Living out of my core means I know my limitations, I know my strengths and I live in that balance without fear or regret.And it takes courage to do that, especially when others object. 

The best part of standing by one's core and living out of authentic identity?  Because I believe that my authentic identity was created with the heart and handprint of God, I'm living out of the intimacy provided in that connection.  And I feel loved, accepted and powerful!