tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-84421575759621773052024-03-20T05:15:05.942-04:00Beyond Recovery to RestorationI won't lie to you - Life hurts! I wish I could give you an answer that would explain it all - but I can't.
But I do have some thoughts about how we can overcome the pain and trauma we do experience. This restoration paradigm grew out of my work with sex abuse victims and my passion to experience the fullness of what is available through Jesus' love. Let's talk!Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.comBlogger81125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-56265521065751287672016-01-13T13:18:00.001-05:002016-01-13T13:18:20.396-05:00This blog has moved!Hi! Just in case you might be looking for a new blogpost from me here - you won't find it.<br />
I've moved my blog presence to<br />
www.connectionssp.org - there is now a blog page there!<br />
Thank you for your interest!<br />
Warmly, RebeccaRebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-61673600705130744532015-10-11T13:34:00.000-04:002015-10-11T13:34:09.357-04:00Change the Word and Change the PictureAs I gaze out this window and try to find words to describe what I see, I can choose between two words. I see either a hill or a mountain. Choosing which word to describe what I see is important for there is a great distinction between a mountain and a hill.<br />
<br />
The words we use matter.<br />
<br />
I want to propose a shift in some of the words we use when looking at sex abuse so that we can create a different possibility. <br />
<ul>
<li>V<b>ictim</b> or <b>survivor</b> - Typically when we refer to someone who has experienced sexual trauma, we use the word survivor. They haven't survived it - yet. They got through it. With much collateral damage done to their sense of self, and their view of the world. The person is first a victim, and does not become a survivor, until they have done the difficult work of overcoming the impact of the trauma. When we tell someone they have "<i>survived</i>" before they have done the hard work necessary, we leave no room for healing. A <i>victim</i> can begin to put responsibility where it lies and see the need and possibility for restoration.</li>
<li><b>Story or journey</b> - Story speaks to identity. Journey speaks to movement through. When a victim "tells her story", it conveys a picture that has an ending. It reinforces the false identity created through trauma. The story of sex abuse isn't over until you have <i>journeyed</i> <i>through</i> the impact. Everyone of us is much more than what happened to us. We all can journey through events, and use events as a process for growth. If we shift from the word <i>story</i> to <i>journey</i>, we denote process, hope and possibility.</li>
<li><b>public health issue or human rights issue</b> - In order to create awareness and find a framework in which to engage people, the prevention world has called sex abuse a "pubic health" issue. The use of that framework lulls people into a sense of who ever has this problem can get a quick fix. Actually the presence of sex abuse is a human rights issue. <span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span>It
is a human right to live in safety without fear of sexual violence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a human right to have the possibility
of living up to ones full potential. Perhaps that is the framework we need to
utilize. </li>
<li><b>Advocate or Activist</b> - An advocate has your back. An advocate speaks up for you, perhaps listens to you and offers help. An activist takes action. The word denotes radical and active actions on an issue to promote change. An activist is about doing something; it has a sense of urgency and focus. An activist is empowered to promote the cultural change we need that will end sex abuse.</li>
<li><b>Emotional Health or Mental Health</b> - I first heard this distinction in an ACES blog post written by Penny Payton. I live in a world of mental health diagnosis. The system requires an official label to both direct the treatment approach and provide the dollars necessary to give that service. I believe that many, (not all) mental health issues are actually issues of emotions. The things we tell ourselves and the behaviors are designed to help us deny or tame emotions. With the shifting of one word we might reduce stigma and validate the freedom found in healthy emotional expressions.</li>
</ul>
The words we use matter! <br />
<br />
Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-138724560791852882015-09-25T11:50:00.002-04:002015-09-25T11:50:40.703-04:00Being RealCan I get real with you today? Last week was a very disappointing week for me. Both professionally and personally. Things that I have longed for, worked towards and believed in, fell apart. It has caused me to walk with hesitancy, a physical heaviness and deep sorrow. <br />
<br />
My church sings this amazing song, "I Know Who I am." It usually moves me to a joyful place of knowing and celebration. Because I do know who I am, what God says about me and His plans for me. I embrace them and walk in them - most days. However, the world hasn't read the same memo! Opportunities are thwarted, people turn away and I'm left with a feeling of defeat. And I'm not sure how to get up and keep going.<br />
<br />
This morning I again listened to the song, "I Know Who I am"; not on purpose, but by accident. It brought me not to the usual place of celebration, but a place of tears. The moment the music started playing, I felt the deep hurt and yes, rejection, that I've experienced this week. Silent small tears escaped and ran down my cheek.<br />
<br />
In the moment I knew that I faced a choice and needed to do the hard work of getting back up. I could easily give up and agree with the messages the world is telling me. I could throw my hands up and walk away from the challenge of living as me. Or, I could choose to again look towards and agree with what I know to be true about me. In spite of the conclusions others come to.<br />
<br />
So, I find myself utilizing the very skills I teach - I'm using my <i>power of agreement</i>. <br />
This is what I'm doing in this moment:<br />
1. I'm acknowledging and expressing the emotional, spiritual and physical hit I took. I'm allowing the tears to flow as I write. I'm playing the music over and over, allowing the truth of it to permeate that place of hurt and help release the pent up emotion. I will do this until I again am at peace with the truth of "who I am."<br />
2. I'm deciding to take care of what I need today. Do I need a walk in the woods? A hug? Some special treat? A nap? A movie? More music? Writing? I will ask inside and put it into place. I will honor my needs.<br />
3. By a choice of my will I will realign with and agree with the truth of my possibility and promise. I do know who I am, no matter what it looks like and how others react.<br />
4, Repeat! Repeat! And repeat, until I'm in a better place, equipped to rise up again, keep going and do what I've been designed to do.<br />
<br />
See, I don't just teach restoration skills - I live them! And they work!<br />
Thanks for listening.....Rebecca<br />
<br />
<br />Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-82877948343967799552015-09-08T10:38:00.000-04:002015-09-08T10:38:01.672-04:00Head GamesOh my - The news segment was called, "Head Games" and instantly had my attention. I watched as the reporter put on a heavy goggle headset and stepped into virtual reality. Immediately what the reporter was seeing was altered. Instead of a solid room, he saw a plank stretching across an abyss. When he was asked to step across the plank, his hesitation was tangible. His distorted view felt more real than the reality he knew was there.<br />
<br />
Of course my mind thought of the work I do with trauma. Events in life, whether sexual abuse, natural disasters or loss can distort perceptions and reality - much like the headset the reporter put on.<br />
<br />
I explored the definition of "virtual" and discovered that it meant, "being so in effect, although not in actual fact or name." Effect is an important word here as well. Effect is "result, anything brought about by a cause, influence, an impression made on the mind." <br />
<br />
Whoa - The event of experiencing sex abuse makes an impression on the mind that is not an actual fact! Don't turn away! Hear this clearly - I'm not saying that the fact that you experienced sexual abuse isn't true. You know what happened. What isn't true is what you believe about yourself; the effect, the impression made on your mind!<br />
<br />
Much like the virtual reality headset, the event of sex abuse locked your mind in a vise grip that distorts your thinking. You are not what happened to you. You are not destroyed. You are not shameful. You are not worthless. The emotions will not kill you. You absolutely can conquer this. Now you fill in the blank with what that vise grip tells you, because you are not________. It is your distorted virtual reality.<br />
<br />
By the end of the news piece the reporter felt dizzy. It wasn't until he took off that headset and restored his vision to see the truth about the room he was in, that the dizziness left.<br />
<br />
Do the same. Use the restoration skills and <i>recognize </i>what the head games are saying to you. What did sex abuse cause you to believe? Then shift your <i>power of agreement, </i>knowing that what you believe is an <i>effect</i> and not reality, and agree with the truth of who you are. Utilize the positive feedback from safe people and <i>exchange</i> the effect and <i>internalize </i>the truth of your intrinsic value.<br />
<br />
Take off the Headset!<br />
www.connectionssp.org <br />
<br />Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-37277842364078632152015-08-19T12:55:00.002-04:002015-08-19T12:55:25.033-04:004 Myths that make healing nearly impossible<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="color: #606060; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 150%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I believe that it is possible to overcome the
impact of sex abuse! I don't have a specific a,b,c of what that looks
like; you decide what healing might look like for you. I would, however, offer for
consideration the definition that you have overcome the impact when sex abuse
is not how you filter your world. You have overcome when you walk in the
strength and power of authentic identity, no longer accepting the "story
of sex abuse" as who you are.<br />
<br />
We appreciate the work of Caroline Myss, who offers the term,
"woundology" to describe the reality that victims typically redefine
their lives around their wounds in a process of accepting them. These 4
myths come from her work. To help you explore them, we have added our
"fill-in-the-blanks" worksheet. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<h3>
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 125%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Myth #1: My life is defined by my wound. </span><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></h3>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="color: #606060; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 150%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It is virtually impossible not to be
influenced by a personal history of emotional or psychological wounds. Sadly,
most victims convince themselves that their lives are only a compilation of
their wounds and that they feel they can do little to heal, other than to share
their stories and manage the impact.<br />
<br />
To release the grip of this myth you must take more responsibility for the
quality of your life. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="color: #606060; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 150%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
"<em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Sometimes I make
excuses for why I am not focusing on doing more positive things in my life such
as (be specific) ________________________________. The excuse I use most
often is _____________________________________. There are times I compare
my history of wounds because _________________________________________.
If I feel more wounded than someone else, I often feel more empowered
because____________________________________________</span></em><i><em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">."</span></em></i>
</span></div>
<h3>
<span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 125%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Myth #2: Being healthy means being alone.</span><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></h3>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="color: #606060; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 150%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sometimes people believe that once they are
healed they will no longer have emotional or psychological needs and therefore
all support for what is happening in their lives will be gone forever.
The truth is that whether or not we are healed or are in the process of healing
we will always need loving friends and family; a community based not just on
wounds or neediness, but on shared interests and emotional nurturing.<br />
<br />
<em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">"I am afraid that
if I heal, my support people will___________________________</span></em><i><br />
<em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">When I picture myself as
healed I see _______________________________ with me.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Emotional wounds may be
a source of bonding with others and healing from those wounds may
mean__________________________________________________."</span></em></i> </span></div>
<h3>
<span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 125%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Myth #3: Feeling pain means being destroyed by pain.</span><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></h3>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="color: #606060; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 150%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The opposite is actually true: <i>Not
feeling your pain will destroy you</i>. Pain collected in the body causes
physical aches and illness. Identifying and expressing the reality of your
emotional pain releases you from the weight of it, and releases you from a
constant connection to the trauma. The pain can feel overwhelming because it
has accumulated over the years. As you move towards owning the pain,
releasing it, you still have skills to back away if need be. Pain will not destroy
you. <br />
<br />
<em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">"I hold onto my
pain because ________________________________________. If I process the
pain and release it, I will lose _________________________________ and I will
gain________________________________________________________."</span></em> </span></div>
<h3>
<span style="mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
</span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 125%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Myth #4: True Change is Impossible</span></h3>
<span style="color: #606060; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="color: #606060; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 150%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">No one particularly likes the
process of change. Yet, healing and change are the same thing. We
cannot heal without first investigating what behavioral patterns and
attitudes we need to alter. Once these characteristics are identified,
we have to DO something about them. Willingness and action bring about
change that results in healing. You have to want it more than you want
the "safety of the norm" you think you walk in. It requires
determination!</span> </span><br />
<span style="color: #606060; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #606060; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">
</span>
<span style="color: #606060; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">
<em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">"I often don't
believe change is possible because _____________________________.</span></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #606060; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #606060; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><i>
<em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">It is also possible I am
hoping change is not possible so I don't have to deal with </span></em></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #606060; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><i><em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">__________________________ or take responsibility to begin to ________________</span></em></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #606060; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><i>
<em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">___________________________________________."</span></em></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #606060; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><i><em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Consider checking out our Connections Community online - to get the skills necessary to overcome and the support needed while you change! </span></em></i></span><br />
<span style="color: #606060; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><i><em><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Check it out: http://connections.kajabi.com/fe/76945-connect </span></em></i></span>Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-13096689563866787292015-08-07T13:52:00.002-04:002015-08-07T13:52:47.182-04:00Getting ThroughThis phrase has been haunting me since I heard it expressed in a meeting last week. At the time it was used in connection to people who find themselves in life circumstances that appear insurmountable. When we say, "we'll get through", it denotes that there is a destination in mind, that we are getting through <i>to</i> something. And if there is a destination in mind, there is a measure of expectation to get somewhere. And some won't achieve that. They will always feel as if they aren't<i> making it.</i><br />
<br />
I find that every day seems to have something "to get through." And I don't think that phrase points to a specific destination. As soon as I get through one thing, there is another one to overcome. I think "to get through" points to<i> how</i> we maneuver our way through the experiences and challenges of life. <br />
<br />
This week my constant companion, my dog Teagan, died unexpectedly. A huge loss that I have to manage. A dear friend with compassion for my hurt said, "you're a strong women, you'll get through this." I was puzzled by that statement because, although my friend did not mean this, it felt as if because I'm "strong"my experience of getting through this should be swift and easy. That isn't the case. <br />
<br />
So, I've decided that getting through something is definitely not about getting somewhere. It is not about an end result. It is about<i> being</i> authentic in the reality of the experience. It is about naming and expressing the deep emotional reactions; yes, both the joy and sorrow, the scared, the angry, and the hope. <br />
<br />
Getting through means that you recognize the reality, pass through the emotions and connect to those around you who can journey with you. It's about being vulnerable and honest with yourself and those around you. Its about accepting help and hugs when needed. Its about being connected both inside and out.<br />
<br />
It is actually when you don't embrace the reality, or express the emotions and learn from the experience that you don't "get through."<br />
<br />
So, in my getting through the loss of Teagan, I am feeling her absence; smiling when I remember a special behavior, crying when I sit down and she doesn't jump up, and speaking her name as many times as I need to. <br />
<br />
I'm getting through.<br />
<br />Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-45160315861180431932015-06-23T11:03:00.000-04:002015-06-23T11:03:00.393-04:00Trauma: Unraveling Truth and Reality <span style="font-size: small;">She arrives wearing baggy sweat pants and over sized shirts, and I know she is living out of the "truth" she has assigned to her sense of self. She is walking in what she believes is her truth. Actually, it isn't true that she is shameful or damaged goods. However, out of the reality of experiencing sexual trauma, she has developed a "truth" that directs the way she carries herself.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">Truth and reality get confused, especially for the victim of trauma.</span><span lang="en-US"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US">I define <b>truth</b> as</span><span lang="en-US"> </span><span lang="en-US" style="font-style: italic;">the concepts and thoughts that move you closer to a sense of freedom, hope, purpose and destiny. </span><span lang="en-US">Truth is about knowing the </span><span lang="en-US" style="font-style: italic;">accuracy</span><span lang="en-US"> in spite of what the </span><span lang="en-US" style="font-style: italic;">reality</span><span lang="en-US"> of events may tell you.<span> </span>Have you ever talked to a person who is color blind? He often experiences the color red as shades of gray. His<i> reality</i> is that ‘red’ is experienced as ‘gray’. The<i> truth</i>, however, is red is really a different color. His experience and therefore his reality does not have the power to change the color red to gray. The person with color blindness learns to distinguish the difference between the truth and his reality and often seeks help in coordinating his wardrobe.</span><span lang="en-US" style="color: #009900; font-weight: bold;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US" style="color: #009900; font-weight: bold;"></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-US">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-US">I define <b>reality</b> as</span><span lang="en-US" style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><span lang="en-US" style="font-style: italic;">a state of affairs; something that exists independently of things concerning it.<span> </span></span><span lang="en-US">Reality is about knowing what has happened or is happening. Those events that just are. </span><span lang="en-US" style="color: #009900;"></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US">Distinguishing between truth and reality can be difficult, but so important in untangling the impact of sexual trauma. Trauma happens and we tell ourselves something as a result - something that may not be truth even when it feels as if it is. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"><span><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"><span>Consider completing this fill in the blank about something in your life:</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"><span><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"><span>Reflecting back on my life I can see that my reality consisted of: ______________________</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"><span><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"><span>_____________________________________________________________________________.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"><span><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"><span>Which caused me to believe that my truth is: _____________________________________________</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"><span><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"><span>______________________________________________________. But if I look deeper I can see</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"><span><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"><span>that the truth behind my reality is _____________________________________________________</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"><span><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"><span>and not ________________________________________________________________________.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"><span><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"><span>Here is an example that might help you sort this out:</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"><span><i>Reflecting back on my life I can see that my reality consisted of sexual trauma. Which caused me to believe that my truth is that I'm bad and shameful. But if I look deeper I can see that the truth behind my reality is that something bad happened to me and not that I am bad.</i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="en-US"><span>Once you untangle the reality and identify the truth, you make the decision to align your power away from the lie formed from trauma towards the truth that brings freedom!</span></span></div>
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none;">
<span lang="en-US" style="language: en-US;"></span></div>
Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-48433035711732565272015-06-16T10:44:00.004-04:002015-06-16T10:44:51.912-04:00Break out Creativity!<br />
Already I feel the stretching in my brain. This week in our Connections Community on-line, we are talking about Creativity as a tool to overcome! So, I've been looking at it and trying some of the exercises as designed by Michael Michalko (www.creativethinking.net). The exercises disrupt my normal thinking patterns - and I actually feel the strain in my brain! <br />
<br />
Why try to revive my creativity? Several reasons:<br />
1. Some of the ways I think and the patterns I live in aren't working for me. You know that definition of insanity: "Doing the same old thing and expecting different results."<br />
2. I have been created with creativity inside. And yet it is submerged. School teaches us to understand things in categories and structures and often stifles creativity. In healing we are instructed to look at our "toolbox" and select the right tool. And sometimes the categories and tools don't match my needs and don't unleash my possibility.<br />
3. I've always been someone who pushes the status quo. I want new solutions to the challenges in my world, because what we're doing isn't working!<br />
<br />
It took me awhile to even grasp how this concept of creativity can work
in restoration. It was my creative colleague, Rachel who first pushed
this idea on me. I had to push past my boxed definition of
creativity to grasp it - which is the entire purpose! <br />
<br />
Thinking creatively isn't just for artists or photographers. It is part of you! And it can be restored! <br />
<br />
As I think about you all uncovering and connecting to creativity I am awash with the excitement of what can happen! <br />
<ul>
<li>Inside your creativity is the power to overcome the impact of all you've experienced.</li>
<li>Think creatively and you might be the one who carries the solutions we need. </li>
</ul>
With your creativity unleashed, we can accomplish new and powerful things!<br />
<br />
Here's a worksheet for you to explore Creativity! Let me know what you discover!<br />
http://www.connectionssp.org (Click on Worksheet Tab)<br />
<br />Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-59536752184173182202015-06-03T13:42:00.000-04:002015-06-03T13:42:55.123-04:00Why do you hold on?I'm telling you up front that this title is a bait and switch - so you might want to leave right now! Ha! You may have thought that I was going to talk about how challenging it is to hold on while you work to overcome trauma. <br />
<br />
I'm not.<br />
<br />
I want to express my perplexity as I watch people hold on to the things that hurt them. I see people hold on to their story; hold on to the emotions, the dysfunctional behaviors, and the lies they believe. All the things that keep them trapped in anxiety, depression, and hurtful relationships. It baffles me. It confuses me. And it exhausts me.<br />
<br />
Do I sound unsympathetic? I'm not. I am sympathetic to the reality of what each person has endured. Do I sound ignorant? I'm not. I am aware of the atrocities perpetrated and the devastating impact, and the work it takes to shift. Do I sound worn out? Maybe.<br />
<br />
As I've pondered why some people do the work of shifting, and why some remain in the cycle of seeking healing, I've come to the conclusion that it all boils down to <i>willingness</i>. I know the things we tell ourselves about the "why" we don't make the shifts to set ourselves free. I know that one of the core forces of resistance is fear. That is a given! Typically, when we hear about people's fear, we either validate it as real, (which it is) or suggest courage as a means to overcome it. But I believe the skill necessary is deeper than that - it takes <i>willingness</i> to engage the courage. It takes finding the will inside to say, "no matter what," I'm going to overcome.<br />
<br />
I was scared when I realized I was losing a 26 year marriage. I could have allowed the fear of the unknown, or of what people would think to keep me trapped. I could have put away all that I had learned about myself and settle back down into what I knew how to do. I had to be <i>willing</i> to turn my world upside down. <br />
<br />
So my question to all of us is: <i> </i><br />
<i>Why do you hold on to the things that are hindering your life</i>?<br />
<br />
If you discover that ultimately you aren't willing to make the shift, find a safe way to live in what you are experiencing. Disarm the internal conflict created by seeking healing you are not willing to take. No judgement! Just accepting the reality of what you are willing and not willing to do. Even that will set you free.Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-17359653016618454712015-05-14T10:39:00.001-04:002015-05-14T10:39:56.086-04:00I want to SCREAM!Tonight on our local news station a report will air about the popular topic, "human trafficking" and sex crimes. It appears the focus will be on how police are responding and preparing for the upswing in prostitution this summer as a major sports event comes to our city.<br />
<br />
I won't watch it. It upsets me too much.<br />
<br />
No, not because I can't mange the issue - but because of how we as a community so quickly pat ourselves on the back because we are<i> "addressing"</i> sex crimes. <br />
<br />
<b>While we ignore the persistent presence of sexual violence against children in our homes</b>. <br />
<br />
<b>I WANT TO SCREAM!</b><br />
<ul>
<li>When will we take serious the cries of that young boy or girl who TODAY is being molested by a "trusted" adult?</li>
<li>When will we stop trying to equip children to protect themselves and finally challenge adults to stop raping kids!</li>
<li>Where is the outrage at the damage being done to the potential found in the identity of that child?</li>
<li>Why is it that other causes, that affect far less people, receive the funding? </li>
</ul>
<br />
<b>I WANT TO SCREAM!</b><br />
<br />
Let me scratch the denial for you. This is a glimpse of what is behind the closed door of sexual crimes in our homes:<br />
<ul>
<li>The grandmother distraught as the third generation female is sexually violated.</li>
<li>The 23 year old who internalized the disgust of the sexual atrocity perpetrated against her.</li>
<li>The 12 year old who, again molested by her father, was ignored by the system when she first spoke of it at age 4.</li>
<li>An on-line community for victims closes because there is no money. </li>
<li>The crippling cycle of therapists, groups, doctors, lost days of work, paralyzing fears, and repeating dysfunctions that costs our culture billions of dollars.</li>
<li>Fact: the trauma of sex abuse is inked to drugs, alcohol and many physical illnesses. </li>
</ul>
<b>I WANT TO SCREAM!</b><br />
<br />
What is it going to take for us to get this? <br />
<br />
<b> I WANT TO SCREAM!</b><br />
<br />
<b>I"M SICK OF IT!</b><br />
<br />
... <i>and the tears start to flow...</i>.<br />
<br />Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-12420436164609525812015-04-28T12:27:00.001-04:002015-04-28T12:27:28.902-04:00What People Pass off for Love is AppallingI'm always open to go where our support group wants to go. We were talking about the <i>relationship</i> someone develops with the trauma they experienced, when the discussion took a sharp turn. Our ladies began to talk about the current relationships they have with their parents. All 5 women present had a deep unmet longing to feel loved and accepted by a parent. Separate from the sex abuse they had experienced was this unmet need that was crying out for fulfillment. That cry is hurting them today as it continuously puts them in unhealthy relationship patterns and keeps the trauma engaged.<br />
<br />
Imagine the confusion within a child when:<br />
<ul>
<li>A mother says I love you, but the next day abandons her at the side of the road as a joke.</li>
<li>A fathers consistent criticism is the basis of acknowledgement.</li>
<li>A mother only accepts you if you meet her needs.</li>
<li>The child's revelation of sex abuse is met with disregard. </li>
</ul>
As children we have no choice but to assign the term "love" to what is given to us as a representation of love. Often what is offered in the name of love is not sufficient nor is it truth. The child ends up emotionally malnourished, weakened and starving for what she thinks only the parent can provide. That leaves the adult child still attached to the frustrating cycle of hope that the parent will love appropriately. <br />
<br />
Now, as an adult, you have the responsibility, and right to recognize the reality of what your parent offers as love and grieve what is missing. It is time to accept the reality of who your parent is and make steps to release yourself from the toxic cycles that occur.<br />
<br />
Then, that unmet need of parental love can be filled as you recognize and internalize the safe love of others. It may not come the way you had hoped, but it absolutely is possible to fill that void.<br />
<br />
What was offered as love was appalling. What's available in healing is amazing. <br />
<br />
<br />Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-37680458715063080962015-04-21T14:35:00.001-04:002015-04-21T14:35:29.336-04:00So stuck in story.<div style="text-align: center;">
So stuck in telling story.</div>
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So scarred. So empty.</div>
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So not restored. So not complete.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So hiding impact. So hiding scars. So hiding self. </div>
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So easily trapped. So easily complacent. So easily compliant. So easily fooled. So easily dieing.</div>
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So busy denying. So busy doing. So busy running. So busy hurting. </div>
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So shut down. So hopeless. So dead end. </div>
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So buried. So tragic. </div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
So stuck in telling story.</div>
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</div>
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So not the end! So much more to reveal. So much more to gain.</div>
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So very hard.</div>
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So few who go for it. </div>
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So tragic!</div>
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</div>
<br />Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-77736303850612965392015-03-03T11:10:00.001-05:002015-03-03T11:10:15.212-05:00Don't ask me thatI have this pet peeve that has become larger than my ability to keep quiet about it. When I go to my bank I brace myself for the interaction that comes. No, they aren't disrespectful. On the contrary, they act as if they are interested and care. "How are you today?" they ask. And I bristle because I know that they really don't care. And they expect my answer to be: "I'm fine,"<br />
<br />
I have become so aware of how people flippantly inquire about important things. A friend recently described for me this incident. While at church, she got in touch with a deep hurt and began to cry. The person next to her asked, "Are you okay?" And my friend's response: "Yes, I'm fine." <br />
<br />
Now, I know that this person at least acknowledged her condition. I've known people to totally ignore an emotional response. And I know that my friend had the responsibility to be authentic in the moment. But, why ask, "are you okay?" <i> It's obvious she isn't.</i> In truth, that question holds the expectation that you be okay. The message is, I acknowledged it, now be okay. We are conditioned to deny the emotional reality we live.<br />
<br />
Have you said this: "I've had a bad day, I'm crying and upset." Why is that a bad day? Why is an authentic expression of engagement in the reality of life labeled as bad? <br />
<br />
I flinch, no I more than flinch, I get frustrated with such disregard for the things of the heart. Life is hard! Life is often more than challenging. If we deny ourselves the process of acknowledging our emotions and <i>completing</i> them, we end up depressed, anxious, resentful and bitter. And if we, as a people continue to reinforce the stuffing of emotions, we contribute to this hurtful result.<br />
<br />
I pity the next bank teller who asks me how I am. He might get an earful!Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-39822327589426736402015-02-24T13:13:00.000-05:002015-02-24T13:13:24.360-05:00No Re-wear for me!You know by now that I don't usually think the way other people think. I hear a word and it gets my mind thinking in a totally different direction. So, on Sunday the Oscars were on television. I decided to ignore it totally. The reasons? I think movie stars are given more attention and power than they deserve and I grow weary of hearing, "Who are you wearing?" Who cares, really?<br />
<br />
Then I heard Gayle King, (CBS) later remark that she had on a "re-wear." <br />
<br />
Hmmmm, odd term. Re-wear. In the movie star world you never wear an old dress. Instead you wear a "designer dress", something made especially for you. It is unique. Has status. Provides recognition. Something that makes a statement about who you are.<br />
<br />
Okay, here's my leap of thought. <br />
<br />
All of us have a "designer dress." It was designed with you in mind. It shows off your best side. It has a purpose. It is beautiful. It is unique. It makes a statement. Provides recognition. Makes an impact. So what is <i>your</i> "designer dress?" It is your authentic identity! Created by Creator God to define you, equip you and propel you into destiny.<br />
<br />
Seldom do we wear it. For our designer dress gets covered over by circumstances, actions against us, things we tell ourselves and things others say about us. We walk clothed in a "re-wear."<br />
<br />
So, I'm thinking, it's not cool to wear a re-wear. The people who walk in their designer dress get admiration; even awards! That's what I'm talking about! Decided: I'm going to continue to do the work of Restoration - to uncover who I was designed to be!<br />
<br />
I'm going to wear my designer dress today! And be on the lookout for my academy award. Maybe someone will even come up to me and ask, "Who are you wearing?"<br />
<br />Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-50285613072863506942015-02-12T11:32:00.000-05:002015-02-12T11:32:11.202-05:00The Ultimate Revenge<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 1.6em;">The Ultimate Revenge</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;">It's a normal reaction and question. We ask it when someone we love dies. We ask it when there is a terrible accident. And the victim of sex abuse asks it in the journey to restoration. "WHY?" </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;">Sometimes people are quick to offer an answer. Things like, "He was drunk", "You were an affectionate kid" or "She was a pervert". None of those answers bring any relief, and actually create deeper harm. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;">There is no answer to the question, "Why did he do it?" that will make any sense or bring any satisfaction. There </span><strong style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;">is</strong><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;"> no good answer. There is no solid response as to </span><em style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;">why </em><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;">that will help you feel better.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;">Focusing on that question will keep you stuck. It's like seeing a mountain in front of you that blocks the view. It stands in your way of progress. When you continually ask, "Why?", you remain tied to the abuser in a way that prevents you from moving through to processing the real impact: the beliefs born of trauma and the emotional pain. As long as you stay focused on a question that can't be answered and provides no sense of relief, you remain in the fallout of trauma and the abuser wins! He or she is still in control! How? Because the beliefs, thoughts and emotions hide behind that unanswerable question and control your behaviors and wreck havoc in your life.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;">You can have the last word! You can have the ultimate revenge! That revenge is moving beyond the "why's" to exploring how sex abuse impacted you; take down the destructive beliefs born of trauma, and become all you were created capable of being. When you do the hard work of shifting beliefs and using your power of agreement, and walk in the freedom of you - the abuser loses control! </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.7999992370605px;">It's the ultimate revenge! Become who you were created to be!</span>Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-84077785321816504542015-01-23T10:28:00.000-05:002015-01-23T10:28:17.076-05:00You are in your Suddenly<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I caught a news clip this morning about a country band
that is having its “suddenly.” The band
members started their suddenly journey when they were 17; they are now in their
30’s! And suddenly they were nominated for a Grammy.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It started me thinking.
My first thought was: “I’m still
waiting for my suddenly.” My second
thought: “I have had lots of <i>suddenlies</i> on the way.” (Is that a word?)</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I think this speaks to the challenge of making
goals. I’ve been taught to create audacious
goals to set the course. The guru’s of
success talk about setting goals. I have
to write them for my not-for-profit and for the people I serve. I see the value in them. Goals are great, because they help keep me
focused. However, what I’m thinking this morning is
that they also set me up. Because I’ve
described what the ultimate “suddenly” would look like – I’ve overlooked the <i>suddenlies</i> on the way.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I can recall the day I knew that I could no longer be
what that person needed me to be. It was
a suddenly – that had been developing for quite awhile. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I can recall the day I knew that my parents were not safe
people for me. It was a suddenly – that had
been unfolding in my awareness for years.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I can recall the day I knew that I couldn’t go back to
old thinking or behaviors. It was a
suddenly – that had been brewing for quite some time.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
We all want a “suddenly.”
My thought for you: you are in the
middle of one!</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
This morning I celebrated the “suddenlies” of my journey –
knowing I will get there – suddenly!</div>
Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-32359555784833406372015-01-14T11:43:00.002-05:002015-01-14T11:43:40.912-05:00Bold Transforming PowerI started this year with a challenge to my OneHealth/Vivarae community. Don't make a resolution that will only result in guilt when you can't accomplish it. Rather, come up with three words to guide you throughout the year. I realized I hadn't given any thought to create my own. So I sat down this week and made a stab at it.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This is what I came up with: <span style="color: red;"><b> Bold Transforming Power</b></span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm excited to embrace these words as it reflects my passion to shift the status quo in which I live. I embrace change and know the value and potential found in new solutions. Thus, I dedicate my life to pushing against traditional answers to how we heal from and stop sex abuse. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In our culture new technology is embraced swiftly. People don't resist the latest i-phone. Actually they stand in line to get it. Will it impact their life in a positive way? Perhaps, perhaps not. Yet, we change and adapt to technology without much resistance. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But present a new mindset and call for a cultural change in our thinking - when it absolutely would result in positive things - and the resistance is loud and vocal. That's why I'm embracing <span style="color: red;"><b>Bold Transforming Power</b> </span>as my mantra for the year. </div>
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Here is my first installment for you. It's time to move beyond traditional prevention thinking. It's time to shift into Primary Prevention of Sex Abuse - meaning do something to stop it before it happens. </div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN">Let's play Jenga
- Let's take out the foundational cultural mindsets that contribute to sexual
assault and topple this atrocity! Some examples: </span></div>
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</div>
<ul>
<li>Call out those who by their
comments create a sexualized environment.</li>
<li> Get involved in shifting the
disparity in gender equality.</li>
<li> Identify and challenge masculinity stereotypes
and disrespect of women and children. </li>
</ul>
We are not powerless to change
perceptions! It's time!</div>
Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-54225872488876398492015-01-08T10:58:00.000-05:002015-01-08T10:58:07.695-05:00Be your own HeroOver the holiday I watched a movie (twice actually!) called, "The Four Minute Mile" that reflected the paradigm about authentic identity that I breathe and live. In short, it is about a young boy in a difficult family dynamic who loves to run and aspires to be great at it. He connects to a coach who sees he has been trying to run the wrong race and helps him grasp that he is designed to run the mile, not the 400. He calls forth identity in this young man.<br />
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As the young man is training and attempting to connect to the ability to run the mile, the coach says to him:<br />
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"You got something so deep in there. Face that fear and beat it. If you face that fear<br />
it will change your life. It will be the hardest thing to do. There will be the moment<br />
you can't breathe. Push through it! It's beautiful!"<br />
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Oh my! This is the restoration journey! Finding what you were created to be, identifying the obstacles, and pushing through to the beautiful place of "being".<br />
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This week at Connections we are looking at being your own hero. That's what it means!<br />
A hero is someone who goes through a great change! Reconnecting to authentic identity is that great change! Facing whatever is in the way and plowing through it is the key!<br />
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As we start this new year my deep desire for us all is that we become our own hero!<br />
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Let's journey together and do it!Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-19068505954195633192014-12-22T10:46:00.001-05:002014-12-22T10:46:35.762-05:00Our Connections FamilyThe weeks of Christmas and the New Year are typically weeks that I step back from the daily routine and rest and reflect. Wise business people tell me that it is a time to reflect on the past year and set goals and direction for the coming year.<br />
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I'm having trouble with that. <br />
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I could list for you all the things I've done. All the places I've spoken, the displays I've manned, the groups I've facilitated, the sessions I've sat in as I work to address the issue of sex abuse. (Actually as I look at the list it is no wonder I need this time to rest). <br />
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But those things aren't what are dancing in my mind's eye and heart. <br />
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For what I see as the real treasure of the year are the people who embrace the heart of our work and unearth the treasures inside themselves!<br />
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<ul>
<li>I see them trusting us, including us in their lives! </li>
<li>I see the discovery of their uniqueness exploding.</li>
<li>I see the women who return each year to our Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations.</li>
<li>I see the traditions established in our community and know they bring stability.</li>
<li>I see the weddings I've been invited to as part of the family. </li>
<li>I see the women now out of state who still connect. </li>
<li>I see the Connections "grandchildren" growing up</li>
<li>I see a special sense of humor that only Connections can experience. </li>
</ul>
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And I experience and embrace the meaning of family.</div>
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I am so grateful for you all. You make my life count. </div>
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Merry Christmas to the Connections Family! </div>
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May the Presence embrace you with peace and comfort!</div>
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Love you, Rebecca</div>
Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-33578596899864181142014-12-14T14:39:00.001-05:002014-12-14T14:39:58.491-05:00I Saw Her BecomeI'd been weeping most of the morning when I finally followed my own advise, and asked, "why am I so emotional?" I knew that attending the play, "Celebrated Silence" last night had moved me. But, come on, I know the impact of groping and what it does to lives. Why was it echoing inside me still? <br />
I remember the day Anisha, sitting in our Advance! course, asked me, "Is groping really sex abuse?" "Absolutely!" I replied. "Sex abuse is about what it does to someones heart and soul." Anisha looked at me with shock. The worksheets were revelation to her as she began to uncover the deep impact of realizing how having been groped had shifted her thinking and behavior patterns. Anisha completed the course. <br />
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When I went on my own restoration journey years ago, I stepped into my destiny and Connections was birthed. My passion lies in giving victims of sex abuse tools to conquer the impact of trauma and move into living out of authentic identity where destiny lies.<br />
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Last night, I watched Anisha walk into destiny! And I was shaken at my core. My tears were not about the reality she shared, as challenging as the content was. But my tears were at seeing someone do the hard work of restoration, reclaim their authentic identity and walk into purpose.<br />
<br />
You see, she wrote and starred in the play. "Celebrated Silence" is about the personal damage of groping and offers a challenge to each of us, who in our denial of outrage, celebrates keeping victims silent. Through restoration she unlocked her passion. She left her profession as a doctor and established All Shades Theater, a theater group designed to start conversations about difficult issues. She moved out into destiny!<br />
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Someone who will see that play also carries inside a locked destiny. Perhaps it is the destiny designed to help us really take down sex abuse as a way of life in our culture. That play has purpose woven into it.<br />
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One more thing Anisha did last night. Two weeks ago she contacted me to tell me about the play. She acknowledged that it was the Advance! course that started her journey. She invited me to participate in the evening so that she could give recognition to Connections. Today as I explored my emotions, I was reminded of the story of Jesus healing the 10 lepers, and how 1 came back to thank Him. Anisha was doing that - she was thanking God for helping her conquer trauma and unlock the destiny she carries. <br />
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I was one of the first to see her backstage and we held each other and cried. She gave me the gift of seeing my walk in destiny be multiplied and bring forth fruit, because she stepped into hers.<br />
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15 year ago I made significant changes in my life to open the doors of Connections. Anisha walked through those doors, did the hard work, and now will do even more than I did. Anisha leaves in January for India where she will present the play. Upon returning, she will share "Celebrated Silence" around the United States and unleash a movement.<br />
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I am so humbled, proud and grateful. My cup runneth over. Thank you Anisha!<br />
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<br />Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-35384262788228842262014-12-11T12:08:00.000-05:002014-12-11T12:08:10.032-05:00Compassion RedefinedYou've seen them - the commercials about abandoned and hurt dogs. I have to turn them off. Those sights and sounds tap into my compassion and compel me to go to the local SPCA. I can't take in another dog! The commercial is very effective. We respond from the heart and want to fix the problem. We are spurred into action, either we write a check, volunteer or go to the pound.<br />
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Now refocus on a news report about the latest arrest for the sexual violation of a child. You may have to turn that off as well. And look away. Not out of compassion, however, but out of fear and denial. We take no action at all.<br />
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This post is a call to exercise compassion in a new way!<br />
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Next time you see a report of sex abuse, or think of someone you know who has experienced the trauma, don't look away. Look through eyes of compassion! Silence your fears and take a hard look at what is happening around you. We are not powerless over this issue! Consider this:<br />
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1. Recognize and have compassion for the victim! Somewhere the victim is reeling. Trying to make sense of what happened. Wondering what to do next and how to overcome the reality of trauma. <br />
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2. Turn compassion into action!<br />
<ul>
<li>Write a letter to a judge or prosecutor who is involved in the news report you saw. Ask them to do everything they can to hold that perpetrator responsible.</li>
<li>Attend any event you can to gain skills to be proactive and learn how to address the reality of sex abuse in our community.</li>
<li>Begin to recognize how the use of language in ads or television contribute to a climate of objectifying women and children. Point it out and do something to challenge it.</li>
<li>Support those of us who are on the front lines. Provide a scholarship for counseling. Ask what you can do to help their efforts.</li>
</ul>
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Let your heart be touched by the reality of sex abuse. </div>
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Connect to your compassion and then ACT!</div>
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<br />Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-78200271269977739432014-11-20T10:22:00.002-05:002014-11-20T10:22:59.212-05:00Sensitivity Hijacked<div style="text-align: center;">
Restoration - becoming all you were created capable of being!</div>
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We have this amazing sheet art piece, the "Handprint Banner", on which victims of sex abuse have written about how sex abuse impacted them. Central to many of the statements is the question, "Who am I?" Thus, core to our restoration model is the process of reconnecting to parts of identity by removing any disregard or damage done to them.</div>
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We typically start by exploring character qualities - we all have them and can be discovered pretty quickly. Character qualities are those guiding principles behind the scene. They can be impacted by sex abuse and require some adjustment.</div>
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This week we have explored <i>sensitivity</i>. Sensitivity is an awareness and understanding of how other people are feeling. The victim of sex abuse absolutely has sensitivity - an often heightened and distorted sense of sensitivity. For example she is <i>sensitive</i> to:</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
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<ul>
<li>The nuances of the perpetrator: They are <i>sensitive </i>to such things as movements and breathing; always vigilant to sense the mood shifts in anticipation of the actions of the person who hurts them.</li>
<li>The nuances of even "safe people". On guard to protect themselves from rejection or possible hurt, they are <i>sensitive</i> to body language, i.e. facial expressions, breathing, tone; anticipating what they might need to do to protect themselves.</li>
<li>The escape route in the room: <i>Sensitive</i> to where the door is, perhaps choosing to face it in order to have a sense of power.</li>
<li><i>Sensitive</i> to read people in a room; who appears to be a danger; who might be safe.</li>
</ul>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
The character quality of sensitivity was designed to create intimacy and connection. The appropriate use of sensitivity allows me to recognize your emotional state and need so that I can meet you there; so that we can feel connected. Sensitivity was<b> not</b> designed to be a means of discerning danger.<br />
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When the victim of sex abuse does the work of recognizing how a character trait has been hijacked, they then have power to shift it - clean it off - and gain the freedom to connect to their authentic identity in the purpose and design in which it was formed.<br />
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Freedom to have access to all aspects of identity and live out of their authentic purpose is AMAZING!</div>
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Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-24526179921009594292014-11-11T13:31:00.002-05:002014-11-11T13:31:31.078-05:00I don't need these anymore!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3nqWKccRx9GyzzDhXxPLpuuoCjiMSKWXSZ_USI5HR3MX8qmwr5fH6VQUwpczpgBBj79wwYVrVFkPG8HwAxrLrG7Qw1yiNNQbQyObQc8XqSb2eYz_ohYS_pWAbtyOCSZzJo75nIbV971Q/s1600/Rocks+traded+in.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3nqWKccRx9GyzzDhXxPLpuuoCjiMSKWXSZ_USI5HR3MX8qmwr5fH6VQUwpczpgBBj79wwYVrVFkPG8HwAxrLrG7Qw1yiNNQbQyObQc8XqSb2eYz_ohYS_pWAbtyOCSZzJo75nIbV971Q/s200/Rocks+traded+in.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
"I have something to give you," she said as she withdrew these rocks from her purse. "Remember when we did that activity with writing the negative things we believed about our self? These are from that activity; I saved them. I've held on to them and felt the heaviness of them. <i>But I don't need them anymore</i> - I've shifted these beliefs, they don't belong to me!"<br />
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AWESOME! We celebrated and congratulated her!<br />
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It absolutely is possible to conquer the impact of childhood sex abuse! Utilizing the tools of Restoration, you can be restored to your authentic identity and become all you were created capable of being. The core tools are:<br />
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<b>Recognize</b>: Work on hearing what you say and what you do that stems from trauma, and see the impact of sex abuse playing out in your life. Recognize the negative messages <i>and</i> the positive messages.<br />
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<b>Power of Agreement</b>: Whatever you agree with, your energy and focus empowers. You have the power to shift from aligning with negative beliefs to aligning with positive beliefs.<br />
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<b>Internalize:</b> That means you intentionally make a part of your thinking the positives and the truths necessary to defeat the thinking that negates and hurts you.<br />
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<b>Exchange</b>: When you've recognized the negative, and been exposed to the alternate positives, you consciously exchange the old for the new.<br />
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<b>Responsibility</b>: Ultimately you have to take responsibility to do this hard work. Only you can do it!<br />
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Our Advance! Workbook gives you a taste of how to utilize these tools. I'm excited to tell you that now, if you don't live in the Cincinnati area to participate in our group - you can now <b>GET THE COURSE ON LINE!</b><br />
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<h3>
Check out the free video and worksheet and order it here: <a href="http://advancerestoration.kajabi.com/fe/73078-4-core-skills-to-overcome-sex-abuse" target="_blank">CLICK HERE</a></h3>
<br />Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-34162430831889683332014-10-30T08:41:00.003-04:002014-10-30T08:41:19.549-04:00Really? We're Still Having this Discussion?The very first conversation I had at this interfaith conference about human trafficking and domestic violence was astonishing.<br />
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The concerned father was telling me how he told his daughter that her dress was bait; that she was tantalizing men. When I explained that those types of comments contribute to victim blaming, he pushed back by saying, 'my daughter isn't a victim.' When I asked that if she did become one, would his first response be, 'I told you not to wear that skirt', he paused and said, 'I never thought about it that way.' And when he stated, 'women have to demand respect,' I countered with, 'why aren't we demanding that we raise boys to respect women.'<br />
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He walked away. I hope he doesn't forget our conversation.<br />
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I was left with a deep angst and concern of my own.<br />
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<ul>
<li>Why is it we are still holding women responsible to control men's sexual behaviors?</li>
<li>Why is it that childhood sex abuse, a contributing factor to human trafficking, <i>and</i> more prevalent than human trafficking, has to fight to be included in the discussion? (It took me two years of lobbying to get invited to the discussion.)</li>
<li>Why is it that conferences are still focused on information, when what we need are personal challenges to the mindsets that keep it all in place?</li>
</ul>
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I'll keep going to the conferences. I may even hold my own conference. The focus being: ask the attendees to take personal responsibility and do some self-confrontation. To take a look at their language and mindsets so that we can obliterate sex abuse, not just manage it.</div>
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I wonder if anyone would come.</div>
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<br />Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8442157575962177305.post-33290871958486046402014-10-17T10:22:00.000-04:002014-10-17T10:22:05.422-04:00Overcome a poverty mindsetLearning to" live without" is actually an overlooked impact of being victimized by sex abuse.<br />
<ul>
<li>The victim learns to live in silence and <em>live without</em> voice. </li>
<li> Losing the ability to trust means you<em> live without</em> connection and intimacy. </li>
<li>Realizing you are not safe in your home means you <em>live without</em> a sense of well being. </li>
<li>Having your body violated, you learn to<em> live without</em> boundaries.</li>
</ul>
For the victim of sex abuse, this <em>"living without</em>" translates into developing a poverty mindset. This mindset keeps the victim trapped in thinking "I can't have", or "I don't deserve." Couple this with the emotion of shame, and the poverty mindset becomes really strong.<br />
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Safe people around him show him love and acceptance and he can't receive it. She is encouraged to ask for what she needs, but she doesn't. She makes sure her children have the latest style clothes, but she won't get them for herself. A poverty mindset at work.<br />
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Why is it important to recognize this concept? Because a poverty mindset keeps the victim of sex abuse trapped in patterns of behaviors that reinforce the belief that she doesn't deserve. In addition, it has the potential to set up a pattern of behavior in which the victim needs to have constant validation of worth in order to silence the whisper of her wounds. Because the poverty mindset blocks her from internalizing the safe intimacy, and safe love offered, she must hear it again and again. That can get tiring for the people around her. And that can trap the victim in thinking she needs to hold onto the wound so she can hear the affirmations she needs.<br />
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Use your power of agreement and take down the poverty mindset. Align your thinking, will and emotions with the truth that ALL human beings deserve and need love, care, nurturing and acceptance.Rebecca Bornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05564998623530383282noreply@blogger.com0