I'm always open to go where our support group wants to go. We were talking about the
relationship someone develops with the trauma they experienced, when the discussion took a sharp turn. Our ladies began to talk about the current relationships they have with their parents. All 5 women present had a deep unmet longing to feel loved and accepted by a parent. Separate from the sex abuse they had experienced was this unmet need that was crying out for fulfillment. That cry is hurting them today as it continuously puts them in unhealthy relationship patterns and keeps the trauma engaged.
Imagine the confusion within a child when:
- A mother says I love you, but the next day abandons her at the side of the road as a joke.
- A fathers consistent criticism is the basis of acknowledgement.
- A mother only accepts you if you meet her needs.
- The child's revelation of sex abuse is met with disregard.
As children we have no choice but to assign the term "love" to what is given to us as a representation of love. Often what is offered in the name of love is not sufficient nor is it truth. The child ends up emotionally malnourished, weakened and starving for what she thinks only the parent can provide. That leaves the adult child still attached to the frustrating cycle of hope that the parent will love appropriately.
Now, as an adult, you have the responsibility, and right to recognize the reality of what your parent offers as love and grieve what is missing. It is time to accept the reality of who your parent is and make steps to release yourself from the toxic cycles that occur.
Then, that unmet need of parental love can be filled as you recognize and internalize the safe love of others. It may not come the way you had hoped, but it absolutely is possible to fill that void.
What was offered as love was appalling. What's available in healing is amazing.
