Head Games

Oh my - The news segment was called, "Head Games" and instantly had my attention. I watched as the reporter put on a heavy goggle headset and stepped into virtual reality.  Immediately what the reporter was seeing was altered.  Instead of a solid room, he saw a plank stretching across an abyss.  When he was asked to step across the plank, his hesitation was tangible.  His distorted view felt more real than the reality he knew was there.

Of course my mind thought of the work I do with trauma.  Events in life, whether sexual abuse, natural disasters or loss can distort perceptions and reality - much like the headset the reporter put on.

I explored the definition of "virtual" and discovered that it meant, "being so in effect, although not in actual fact or name."  Effect is an important word here as well.  Effect is "result, anything brought about by a cause, influence, an impression made on the mind." 

Whoa - The event of experiencing sex abuse makes an impression on the mind that is not an actual fact!  Don't turn away!  Hear this clearly - I'm not saying that the fact that you experienced sexual abuse isn't true.  You know what happened.  What isn't true is what you believe about yourself; the effect, the impression made on your mind!

Much like the virtual reality headset, the event of sex abuse locked your mind in a vise grip that distorts your thinking. You are not what happened to you. You are not destroyed.  You are not shameful.  You are not worthless. The emotions will not kill you.  You absolutely can conquer this. Now you fill in the blank with what that vise grip tells you, because you are not________.  It is your distorted virtual reality.

By the end of the news piece the reporter felt dizzy.  It wasn't until he took off that headset and restored his vision to see the truth about the room he was in, that the dizziness left.

Do the same.  Use the restoration skills and recognize what the head games are saying to you.  What did sex abuse cause you to believe?  Then shift your power of agreement, knowing that what you believe is an effect and not reality, and agree with the truth of who you are.  Utilize the positive feedback from safe people and exchange the effect and internalize the truth of your intrinsic value.

Take off the Headset!
www.connectionssp.org

No Re-wear for me!

You know by now that I don't usually think the way other people think.  I hear a word and it gets my mind thinking in a totally different direction.  So, on Sunday the Oscars were on television. I decided to ignore it totally.  The reasons?  I think movie stars are given more attention and power than they deserve and I grow weary of hearing, "Who are you wearing?"  Who cares, really?

Then I heard Gayle King, (CBS) later remark that she had on a "re-wear."

Hmmmm, odd term.  Re-wear. In the movie star world you never wear an old dress.  Instead you wear a "designer dress", something made especially for you.  It is unique. Has status.  Provides recognition. Something that makes a statement about who you are.

Okay, here's my leap of thought.

All of us have a "designer dress."  It was designed with you in mind.  It shows off your best side.  It has a purpose.  It is beautiful.  It is unique.  It makes a statement.  Provides recognition.  Makes an impact.  So what is your "designer dress?"  It is your authentic identity!  Created by Creator God to define you, equip you and propel you into destiny.

Seldom do we wear it.  For our designer dress gets covered over by circumstances, actions against us, things we tell ourselves and things others say about us.  We walk clothed in a "re-wear."

So, I'm thinking, it's not cool to wear a re-wear.  The people who walk in their designer dress get admiration; even awards! That's what I'm talking about!  Decided: I'm going to continue to do the work of Restoration - to uncover who I was designed to be!

I'm going to wear my designer dress today! And be on the lookout for my academy award.  Maybe someone will even come up to me and ask, "Who are you wearing?"

You are in your Suddenly

I caught a news clip this morning about a country band that is having its “suddenly.”  The band members started their suddenly journey when they were 17; they are now in their 30’s!  And suddenly they were nominated for a Grammy.

It started me thinking.  My first thought was:  “I’m still waiting for my suddenly.”  My second thought:  “I have had lots of suddenlies on the way.”  (Is that a word?)

I think this speaks to the challenge of making goals.  I’ve been taught to create audacious goals to set the course.  The guru’s of success talk about setting goals.  I have to write them for my not-for-profit and for the people I serve.  I see the value in them.  Goals are great, because they help keep me focused.   However, what I’m thinking this morning is that they also set me up.  Because I’ve described what the ultimate “suddenly” would look like – I’ve overlooked the suddenlies on the way.

I can recall the day I knew that I could no longer be what that person needed me to be.  It was a suddenly – that had been developing for quite awhile. 

I can recall the day I knew that my parents were not safe people for me.  It was a suddenly – that had been unfolding in my awareness for years.

I can recall the day I knew that I couldn’t go back to old thinking or behaviors.  It was a suddenly – that had been brewing for quite some time.

We all want a “suddenly.”  My thought for you:  you are in the middle of one!

This morning I celebrated the “suddenlies” of my journey – knowing I will get there – suddenly!

Bold Transforming Power

I started this year with a challenge to my OneHealth/Vivarae community.  Don't make a resolution that will only result in guilt when you can't accomplish it.  Rather, come up with three words to guide you throughout the year.  I realized I hadn't given any thought to create my own.  So I sat down this week and made a stab at it.

This is what I came up with:  Bold Transforming Power

I'm excited to embrace these words as it reflects my passion to shift the status quo in which I live.  I embrace change and know the value and potential found in new solutions. Thus, I dedicate my life to pushing against traditional answers to how we heal from and stop sex abuse.  

In our culture new technology is embraced swiftly.  People don't resist the latest i-phone. Actually they stand in line to get it.  Will it impact their life in a positive way?  Perhaps, perhaps not.  Yet, we change and adapt to technology without much resistance.  

But present a new mindset and call for a cultural change in our thinking - when it absolutely would result in positive things - and the resistance is loud and vocal. That's why I'm embracing Bold Transforming Power as my mantra for the year.  

Here is my first installment for you.  It's time to move beyond traditional prevention thinking.  It's time to shift into Primary Prevention of Sex Abuse - meaning do something to stop it before it happens.  

Let's play Jenga - Let's take out the foundational cultural mindsets that contribute to sexual assault and topple this atrocity! Some examples: 

• Call out those who by their comments create a sexualized environment.
•  Get involved in shifting the disparity in gender equality.
•  Identify and challenge masculinity stereotypes and disrespect of women and children. 

We are not powerless to change perceptions! It's time!

I Saw Her Become

I'd been weeping most of the morning when I finally followed my own advise, and asked, "why am I so emotional?"  I knew that attending the play, "Celebrated Silence" last night had moved me.  But, come on, I know the impact of groping and what it does to lives. Why was it echoing inside me still?
I remember the day Anisha, sitting in our Advance! course, asked me, "Is groping really sex abuse?" "Absolutely!" I replied. "Sex abuse is about what it does to someones heart and soul." Anisha looked at me with shock. The worksheets were revelation to her as she began to uncover the deep impact of realizing how having been groped had shifted her thinking and behavior patterns.  Anisha completed the course.

When I went on my own restoration journey years ago, I stepped into my destiny and Connections was birthed.  My passion lies in giving victims of sex abuse tools to conquer the impact of trauma and move into living out of authentic identity where destiny lies.

Last night, I watched Anisha walk into destiny!  And I was shaken at my core.  My tears were not about the reality she shared, as challenging as the content was.  But my tears were at seeing someone do the hard work of restoration, reclaim their authentic identity and walk into purpose.

You see, she wrote and starred in the play.  "Celebrated Silence" is about the personal damage of groping and offers a challenge to each of us, who in our denial of outrage, celebrates keeping victims silent. Through restoration she unlocked her passion.  She left her profession as a doctor and established All Shades Theater, a theater group designed to start conversations about difficult issues. She moved out into destiny!

Someone who will see that play also carries inside a locked destiny. Perhaps it is the destiny designed to help us really take down sex abuse as a way of life in our culture.  That play has purpose woven into it.

One more thing Anisha did last night.  Two weeks ago she contacted me to tell me about the play. She acknowledged that it was the Advance! course that started her journey.  She invited me to participate in the evening so that she could give recognition to Connections.  Today as I explored my emotions, I was reminded of the story of Jesus healing the 10 lepers, and how 1 came back to thank Him.  Anisha was doing that - she was thanking God for helping her conquer trauma and unlock the destiny she carries.

I was one of the first to see her backstage and we held each other and cried.  She gave me the gift of seeing my walk in destiny be multiplied and bring forth fruit, because she stepped into hers.

15 year ago I made significant changes in my life to open the doors of Connections. Anisha walked through those doors, did the hard work, and now will do even more than I did. Anisha leaves in January for India where she will present the play.  Upon returning, she will share "Celebrated Silence" around the United States and unleash a movement.

I am so humbled, proud and grateful.  My cup runneth over.  Thank you Anisha!

Sensitivity Hijacked

Restoration - becoming all you were created capable of being!

We have this amazing sheet art piece, the "Handprint Banner", on which victims of sex abuse have written about how sex abuse impacted them.  Central to many of the statements is the question, "Who am I?"  Thus, core to our restoration model is the process of reconnecting to parts of identity by removing any disregard or damage done to them.

We typically start by exploring character qualities - we all have them and can be discovered pretty quickly.  Character qualities are those guiding principles behind the scene.  They can be impacted by sex abuse and require some adjustment.

This week we have explored sensitivity.  Sensitivity is an awareness and understanding of how other people are feeling. The victim of sex abuse absolutely has sensitivity - an often heightened and distorted sense of sensitivity.  For example she is sensitive to:

• The nuances of the perpetrator:  They are sensitive to such things as movements and breathing; always vigilant to sense the mood shifts in anticipation of the actions of the person who hurts them.
• The nuances of even "safe people".  On guard to protect themselves from rejection or possible hurt, they are sensitive to body language, i.e. facial expressions, breathing, tone; anticipating what they might need to do to protect themselves.
• The escape route in the room:  Sensitive to where the door is, perhaps choosing to face it in order to have a sense of power.
• Sensitive to read people in a room; who appears to be a danger; who might be safe.

The character quality of sensitivity was designed to create intimacy and connection.  The appropriate use of sensitivity allows me to recognize your emotional state and need so that I can meet you there; so that we can feel connected.  Sensitivity was not designed to be a means of discerning danger.

When the victim of sex abuse does the work of recognizing how a character trait has been hijacked, they then have power to shift it - clean it off - and gain the freedom to connect to their authentic identity in the purpose and design in which it was formed.

Freedom to have access to all aspects of identity and live out of their authentic purpose is AMAZING!

Where love begins

I first saw Teagan, my dog, from a distance.  She was living on a hill of dirt, chained to a makeshift dog house.  I was drawn to her circumstance and walked over to meet her.  I sat down next to her and she crawled into my lap, shaking and grateful.  We were bonded in that moment.

How did that instant connection and sense of love and belonging happen?  Teagan, who had been denied her freedom, had no reason to trust any person.  I actually was in a similar state. I was alone and experience had taught me to be cautious about connection and needing someone.   And yet, there it was; that sense that I needed her and she needed me.  And together we could fill that need.

As hard as we try to ignore it or deny it, we are created with a deep need to be loved and to love.  Love begins in the created heart.  It is a core part of us.  We are created with a need to connect to love and with the capacity to give love. The design was that our families would be the place of experiencing that accepting and nourishing love.  That doesn't always happen.

Families riddled with sex abuse distort and deny authentic love.  The victim is left to learn how to trust love, how to recognize authentic love and how to express it.  A tough assignment for sure!

Hope can be found in the fact that within your created heart and spirit is an imparted knowledge of what authentic love is.  When you do the challenging work of recognizing the distortion of love you experienced; acknowledge the pain of it and exchange the deceitful representation for the authentic reality, you can live out of where love begins.

Is it a Crime or a Public Health Issue?

How we use words makes all the difference in how we shape the world around us.  If you've been hanging with me for any length of time you already know that I ask questions to highlight how the words we use can set a direction or thought we didn't intend.

I'm known for challenging the use of the word prevention.  For me the word has a subtle undertone that says: "Sex abuse exists in our culture, but don't worry, I'm going to do everything I can to keep it from touching you." That means I have passively accepted that it exists. I use the term "Zero Tolerance" as that is what I'm after!

Now I'm spending time looking at how we "do" prevention.  The Center for Disease Control and other high visible agencies working on preventing sex abuse have said that sex abuse is a "public health issue".  Hmmmm.....I find some inherent difficulties in that framework.

Typically when I hear that something is a "public health issue", I'm programmed to believe that if I get the right medication, or shot or follow a prescription, I can get better. If I have not experienced this public health issue, then I have no need to pay attention or get involved. So, first, we haven't done a very good job of talking about "why" sex abuse is a public health issue.  I don't think the average person has any real clue about how sex abuse impacts the culture.

Secondly, the subtle message in a public health model is that whoever is involved in this public health issue will be the one who does what is necessary to "get better." They will get the shot or the prescription. They will fix it. This thinking keeps the collective community from seeing it as something we should all address. This framework allows for individualistic complacency and passivity, it does not build capacity for a community response.

Let's use stronger language! Why don't we call it what it is?  A CRIME!  A crime against the human spirit!  A crime against the possibility and potential of people!

When we call it what it is, perhaps we can ignite the movement to fight against it.

Stand Up

Huh - just seeing the title, it appears that this blog post will again have a "fight" flavor to it. Why?  Because at the core of me is a fighting warrior tired of a world that compacently accepts violence and the presence of sex abuse. 

I see hundreds of people turn out for a walk against breast cancer - and yet the numbers of victims of breast cancer are not near the numbers of victims of sex abuse!

I see hundreds of people turn out for a walk to support issues around mental health - and yet many of those issues originate in the trauma of sex abuse.

I see hundreds of people turn out for a walk about autism, cystic fibrosis and now Alzheimer's.

What the heck?!?  We issue a call for people to Stand Up against sex abuse - and we have little response!  I'm sick of the powerless feeling.  I'm sick of the shame keeping us from addressing it.  I'm sick of the passive acceptance of sex abuse as something we have to "prevent"! Let's not tolerate it!

STAND UP!  When we asked 300 people what their first response was when they heard about sex abuse, the word most used was "sick".  I'm calling you to move beyond that first response!  Yes, it is "sick", but let's get angry about it.  Let's take this down.  Let's Stand Up and battle the mindsets that allow sex abuse to exist. 

If you are in the Cincinnati area - join us on August 17th, in Ault Park as we walk and STAND UP OHIO.  This will be unique!  You won't just walk, although showing up alone will make a statement.  But you will have the opportunity to visit 3 action stations where you will help unearth and combat cultural norms and mindsets.  We are attacking at the root!  COME UP TO  A HIGHER PLACE AND BATTLE WITH US!

rsvp: connections2602@gmail.com  or http://standupohiowalk.brownpapertickets.com

Occupy your land

This journey of restoring authentic identity is a battle!  Think of it this way:  someone has crossed a boundary and has invaded your territory.  This invader has imposed new rules of thinking and behaving and your healthy sense of identity has been submerged under this tyrant.

You have decided to declare war on this invasion and throw out the rules, thoughts and behaviors the invader left behind.  These rules, thoughts and behaviors cripple you and unless defeated, will define your life. 

You are going to stop running from "knowing what you know", turn around, face the reality of what you experienced and "occupy your land."  It is a place of great strength to stand by your core, recognize your innate value and take it back - occupy it!

It is an action.  It is a reclaiming.  Draw your weapons of restoration by taking responsibility to fight the battle, recognizing the impact of the invasion, identifying your power of agreement and internalize the new truth.  Occupy!

It is victory that is possible! 
www.beyondrecoverytorestoration.com