I've got an idea about what I want to share with you. I have a picture in my mind that I'm trying to describe - but when I ponder it, I experience a heaviness of heart that slows me down; because I know the picture is so real for so many people, including me.
None of us are perfect parents or siblings. And none of us are perfect friends, wives or husbands. That leaves each of us, with at the very least, wounds of heart and more likely, broken pieces of self. Most of us hardly acknowledge the broken pieces. We put one foot in front of the other, meeting the expectations of life and just keep going. Carrying the broken pieces of ourselves with us as if there is no alternative.
The picture I'm pondering is just that. Unacknowledged disregard, the unexpressed emotional pain of rejection; the secret of sex abuse and its accompanying impact. All broken pieces carried inside. The heaviness of that burden robs us of joy, contentment, connection and fulfillment.
I want to shift that picture. You can shift that picture. It hurts more to not acknowledge and process your reality than it does to know your reality and move through it fully engaged. That is a truth I understand personally and professionally.
Oh my! As I envision all of us advancing through restoration and healing the broken pieces of self, the picture does change. And our world changes as all the amazing aspects of you are reinstated, they become available to unlock the treasure you carry. You have a unique contribution we all need!
The core skills of restoration: recognizing, internalizing, the power of agreement and responsibility are the tools to change the broken pieces into wholeness. Join us as we journey. We need the treasure of you!
Friday, November 8, 2013
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Where love begins
I first saw Teagan, my dog, from a distance. She was living on a hill of dirt, chained to a makeshift dog house. I was drawn to her circumstance and walked over to meet her. I sat down next to her and she crawled into my lap, shaking and grateful. We were bonded in that moment.
How did that instant connection and sense of love and belonging happen? Teagan, who had been denied her freedom, had no reason to trust any person. I actually was in a similar state. I was alone and experience had taught me to be cautious about connection and needing someone. And yet, there it was; that sense that I needed her and she needed me. And together we could fill that need.
As hard as we try to ignore it or deny it, we are created with a deep need to be loved and to love. Love begins in the created heart. It is a core part of us. We are created with a need to connect to love and with the capacity to give love. The design was that our families would be the place of experiencing that accepting and nourishing love. That doesn't always happen.
Families riddled with sex abuse distort and deny authentic love. The victim is left to learn how to trust love, how to recognize authentic love and how to express it. A tough assignment for sure!
Hope can be found in the fact that within your created heart and spirit is an imparted knowledge of what authentic love is. When you do the challenging work of recognizing the distortion of love you experienced; acknowledge the pain of it and exchange the deceitful representation for the authentic reality, you can live out of where love begins.
How did that instant connection and sense of love and belonging happen? Teagan, who had been denied her freedom, had no reason to trust any person. I actually was in a similar state. I was alone and experience had taught me to be cautious about connection and needing someone. And yet, there it was; that sense that I needed her and she needed me. And together we could fill that need.
As hard as we try to ignore it or deny it, we are created with a deep need to be loved and to love. Love begins in the created heart. It is a core part of us. We are created with a need to connect to love and with the capacity to give love. The design was that our families would be the place of experiencing that accepting and nourishing love. That doesn't always happen.
Families riddled with sex abuse distort and deny authentic love. The victim is left to learn how to trust love, how to recognize authentic love and how to express it. A tough assignment for sure!
Hope can be found in the fact that within your created heart and spirit is an imparted knowledge of what authentic love is. When you do the challenging work of recognizing the distortion of love you experienced; acknowledge the pain of it and exchange the deceitful representation for the authentic reality, you can live out of where love begins.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Is it a Crime or a Public Health Issue?
How we use words makes all the difference in how we shape the world around us. If you've been hanging with me for any length of time you already know that I ask questions to highlight how the words we use can set a direction or thought we didn't intend.
I'm known for challenging the use of the word prevention. For me the word has a subtle undertone that says: "Sex abuse exists in our culture, but don't worry, I'm going to do everything I can to keep it from touching you." That means I have passively accepted that it exists. I use the term "Zero Tolerance" as that is what I'm after!
Now I'm spending time looking at how we "do" prevention. The Center for Disease Control and other high visible agencies working on preventing sex abuse have said that sex abuse is a "public health issue". Hmmmm.....I find some inherent difficulties in that framework.
Typically when I hear that something is a "public health issue", I'm programmed to believe that if I get the right medication, or shot or follow a prescription, I can get better. If I have not experienced this public health issue, then I have no need to pay attention or get involved. So, first, we haven't done a very good job of talking about "why" sex abuse is a public health issue. I don't think the average person has any real clue about how sex abuse impacts the culture.
Secondly, the subtle message in a public health model is that whoever is involved in this public health issue will be the one who does what is necessary to "get better." They will get the shot or the prescription. They will fix it. This thinking keeps the collective community from seeing it as something we should all address. This framework allows for individualistic complacency and passivity, it does not build capacity for a community response.
Let's use stronger language! Why don't we call it what it is? A CRIME! A crime against the human spirit! A crime against the possibility and potential of people!
When we call it what it is, perhaps we can ignite the movement to fight against it.
I'm known for challenging the use of the word prevention. For me the word has a subtle undertone that says: "Sex abuse exists in our culture, but don't worry, I'm going to do everything I can to keep it from touching you." That means I have passively accepted that it exists. I use the term "Zero Tolerance" as that is what I'm after!
Now I'm spending time looking at how we "do" prevention. The Center for Disease Control and other high visible agencies working on preventing sex abuse have said that sex abuse is a "public health issue". Hmmmm.....I find some inherent difficulties in that framework.
Typically when I hear that something is a "public health issue", I'm programmed to believe that if I get the right medication, or shot or follow a prescription, I can get better. If I have not experienced this public health issue, then I have no need to pay attention or get involved. So, first, we haven't done a very good job of talking about "why" sex abuse is a public health issue. I don't think the average person has any real clue about how sex abuse impacts the culture.
Secondly, the subtle message in a public health model is that whoever is involved in this public health issue will be the one who does what is necessary to "get better." They will get the shot or the prescription. They will fix it. This thinking keeps the collective community from seeing it as something we should all address. This framework allows for individualistic complacency and passivity, it does not build capacity for a community response.
Let's use stronger language! Why don't we call it what it is? A CRIME! A crime against the human spirit! A crime against the possibility and potential of people!
When we call it what it is, perhaps we can ignite the movement to fight against it.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
I'm taking names!
I'm taking names and making a list! And it's a good list! Be encouraged! My last blog post focused on wrestling with why people are slow to respond to stopping sex abuse. I took that discussion to Linked-In and have discovered a group of people who are passionate and ready to go! Their names and their thoughts are now compiled.
The thoughts about "why" are enlightening and right on. Fear, apathy, the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde nature of those who abuse, cultural views of children and much more. I'm pondering this list, looking for the connections and identifying tangible starting places.
The sense of being powerless has permeated our culture. The issues of our day seem to huge for us to address. Fear partnes with denial and a culture of complacency develops. And we believe the lie that there is nothing we can do.
We are a creative people! We are a strong people! We design the culture in which we live!
I am determined to gather these creative and strong people and ignite this movement! One major advantage of social media and the connections that develop is that suddenly a collective voice can organize across a nation. Sense the strength in connecting this way! Sense the power that will be unleashed! We are organizing, getting focused and we are taking down this insidious presence!
The thoughts about "why" are enlightening and right on. Fear, apathy, the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde nature of those who abuse, cultural views of children and much more. I'm pondering this list, looking for the connections and identifying tangible starting places.
The sense of being powerless has permeated our culture. The issues of our day seem to huge for us to address. Fear partnes with denial and a culture of complacency develops. And we believe the lie that there is nothing we can do.
We are not powerless!
We are a creative people! We are a strong people! We design the culture in which we live!
I am determined to gather these creative and strong people and ignite this movement! One major advantage of social media and the connections that develop is that suddenly a collective voice can organize across a nation. Sense the strength in connecting this way! Sense the power that will be unleashed! We are organizing, getting focused and we are taking down this insidious presence!
Want your name on my list? Just let me know!
Monday, September 23, 2013
I Don't Understand
It is so deeply embedded in who I am, I have no idea how not to feel it. How not to live out of it. It both haunts me and drives me. It is core to me. "It" is the presence of injustice in our world coupled with the depth of the battle required to shift it. It pains me to see injustice! It rips at my heart and gut to see any destruction and disregard of people. It rips at my soul to see so few people step up to stop it. It confounds me! I don't understand! How is it that we, "the people", allow any kind of disregard and destruction of others to continue? My eyes fill with tears at this moment because I don't understand!
Last night I watched the movie "Lincoln" and wept as I saw the burden he carried about the issue of slavery. I wept because I recognize that kind of burden. I know the call to a burden for a disregarded people. I know the opposition he faced. I also know the cost of that burden.
I don't understand why people aren't outraged at the presence of sex abuse in our culture. I don't understand why we passively accept it. I don't understand why we are comfortable with "risk management." I don't understand why the resources I need to do the battle aren't in my grasp.
I'm willing. Always have been. I've put myself in the thick of it. I get it. Not everyone has the stomach to be on the front lines. But where are the troops to support those of us who are?
I don't understand.
Last night I watched the movie "Lincoln" and wept as I saw the burden he carried about the issue of slavery. I wept because I recognize that kind of burden. I know the call to a burden for a disregarded people. I know the opposition he faced. I also know the cost of that burden.
I don't understand why people aren't outraged at the presence of sex abuse in our culture. I don't understand why we passively accept it. I don't understand why we are comfortable with "risk management." I don't understand why the resources I need to do the battle aren't in my grasp.
I'm willing. Always have been. I've put myself in the thick of it. I get it. Not everyone has the stomach to be on the front lines. But where are the troops to support those of us who are?
I don't understand.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Seating the Jury - How Can this be?
I actually went this morning in support of the family of the abuse victim. Today the federal trial of Fr. Poandl, a priest accused of molesting a then 10 year old boy, began with the jury selection process. The courtroom appeared packed and I was glad to see the full room - thinking, finally, people are taking this seriously! And then I realized that 70 of the people there were the potential jury pool. As the realization dawned that maybe 20 people were here for the trial, I was perplexed: How can this Be? Why aren't more people here? Why isn't there standing room only?
The procedure of screening jurors as to the ability to be "unbiased" continued and I experienced another shocking awareness. The question was asked of the jury pool: Is there anyone here who has a framework or philosophical belief either religous, personal, etc...that would keep you from being unbiased in this trail? Not ONE person responded yes. I was shocked! I said to myself, "They have to be lying or afraid to speak up!" Surely SOMEONE in 70 people has an internal bias about sexual abuse that would impact their presence on a jury! How can this be? Why aren't people outraged?
A few minutes later, when the jury pool was reminded that this case involved the molestation of a 10 year old boy, and asked again about their ability to remain unbiased in light of that; 3 women raised their hands. All had family members who were 10 year old boys.
I have just returned from IVAT, the International Conference on Violence, Abuse and Trauma where I presented on a panel about how to prevent sex abuse. I challenged my colleagues that it was time to rethink our approach. I suggested that current prevention approaches have inadvertently made it an individual's responsibility to prevent sex abuse. I suggested that we have not done a good job of making it a community problem. (More on that in future blogs!)
And today I watched that play out in a courtroom. As a community, not one person felt an internal reaction to nor an outrage about sexual abuse. Only individual mothers stood up.
How can this be?
The procedure of screening jurors as to the ability to be "unbiased" continued and I experienced another shocking awareness. The question was asked of the jury pool: Is there anyone here who has a framework or philosophical belief either religous, personal, etc...that would keep you from being unbiased in this trail? Not ONE person responded yes. I was shocked! I said to myself, "They have to be lying or afraid to speak up!" Surely SOMEONE in 70 people has an internal bias about sexual abuse that would impact their presence on a jury! How can this be? Why aren't people outraged?
A few minutes later, when the jury pool was reminded that this case involved the molestation of a 10 year old boy, and asked again about their ability to remain unbiased in light of that; 3 women raised their hands. All had family members who were 10 year old boys.
I have just returned from IVAT, the International Conference on Violence, Abuse and Trauma where I presented on a panel about how to prevent sex abuse. I challenged my colleagues that it was time to rethink our approach. I suggested that current prevention approaches have inadvertently made it an individual's responsibility to prevent sex abuse. I suggested that we have not done a good job of making it a community problem. (More on that in future blogs!)
And today I watched that play out in a courtroom. As a community, not one person felt an internal reaction to nor an outrage about sexual abuse. Only individual mothers stood up.
How can this be?
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Moving obstacles out of the way!
I always try to leave home early, especially when I'm the scheduled speaker! Last night I was so glad I did. The road I was traveling was two lanes, with one lane designated as no parking, from 4:00pm-6:00pm. It was now 6:09pm, and there up ahead in my lane was a parked car. Rats!
As I pulled up behind the parked car, simultaneously in the left lane a car slowed down and stopped, directly next to the parked car. The driver valiantly tried to restart his car several times. It became apparent that his car was disabled and he wasn't going anywhere!
I was stunned. For my way was totally blocked. I could see my destination just down the road as a wave of "oh no" washed over me. Those that know me, know that I'm a pretty determined woman. Fierce sometimes in my determination to not give up. Passionate in my resolve to accomplish the assignment upon my life.
My mind began to look for solutions, for NOTHING was going to stop me from showing up to this important gathering! I got out of my car, and first wondered if I could find who owned the parked car, prepared to knock on the door of the house. Then, the driver and the passenger in the disabled car got out and came towards me. Meanwhile the backup grew and people sat in their cars, watching, probably grumbling. Together, we decided to push his car to the side as his passenger got behind the wheel to steer. Another man joined us, and we pushed the car out of the lane, releasing the traffic flow.
As I got back in my car I realized that now my lane was still blocked and the people who had sat unresponsive were now moving freely. Not fair! Once again, determined not to be stopped by the choices and circumstances of others, I thrust my left hand out my window, used my hand as a stop sign, and forced my way over into the now moving lane. (My Chicago driving habits kicked into gear. Ha!) I will not be denied the movement I desire and need!
Friends, The journey to connect to authentic identity and become all you were created capable of being is much like my drive last night. Obstacles will rise up. Others will block and impede your progress. Moving forward in light of that means that you dig deep, tap into your determination and desire and PUSH the obstacle out of the way!
Some people will help, some will sit complacently by the side and enjoy the benefits of your hard work. It will be difficult, it will be challenging. But you reap the rewards of the freedom to keep on moving and discover that you CAN!
Why was I so determined? Because I was going to speak to a large gathering of people desiring to hear about the impact of sex abuse and find hope in restoration! Obstacle get out of my way! I am a woman on assignment, living out of passion and purpose! I and those who will join me will not be denied.
As I pulled up behind the parked car, simultaneously in the left lane a car slowed down and stopped, directly next to the parked car. The driver valiantly tried to restart his car several times. It became apparent that his car was disabled and he wasn't going anywhere!
I was stunned. For my way was totally blocked. I could see my destination just down the road as a wave of "oh no" washed over me. Those that know me, know that I'm a pretty determined woman. Fierce sometimes in my determination to not give up. Passionate in my resolve to accomplish the assignment upon my life.
My mind began to look for solutions, for NOTHING was going to stop me from showing up to this important gathering! I got out of my car, and first wondered if I could find who owned the parked car, prepared to knock on the door of the house. Then, the driver and the passenger in the disabled car got out and came towards me. Meanwhile the backup grew and people sat in their cars, watching, probably grumbling. Together, we decided to push his car to the side as his passenger got behind the wheel to steer. Another man joined us, and we pushed the car out of the lane, releasing the traffic flow.
As I got back in my car I realized that now my lane was still blocked and the people who had sat unresponsive were now moving freely. Not fair! Once again, determined not to be stopped by the choices and circumstances of others, I thrust my left hand out my window, used my hand as a stop sign, and forced my way over into the now moving lane. (My Chicago driving habits kicked into gear. Ha!) I will not be denied the movement I desire and need!
Friends, The journey to connect to authentic identity and become all you were created capable of being is much like my drive last night. Obstacles will rise up. Others will block and impede your progress. Moving forward in light of that means that you dig deep, tap into your determination and desire and PUSH the obstacle out of the way!
Some people will help, some will sit complacently by the side and enjoy the benefits of your hard work. It will be difficult, it will be challenging. But you reap the rewards of the freedom to keep on moving and discover that you CAN!
Why was I so determined? Because I was going to speak to a large gathering of people desiring to hear about the impact of sex abuse and find hope in restoration! Obstacle get out of my way! I am a woman on assignment, living out of passion and purpose! I and those who will join me will not be denied.
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