What People Pass off for Love is Appalling

I'm always open to go where our support group wants to go.  We were talking about the relationship someone develops with the trauma they experienced, when the discussion took a sharp turn. Our ladies began to talk about the current relationships they have with their parents.  All 5 women present had a deep unmet longing to feel loved and accepted by a parent.  Separate from the sex abuse they had experienced was this unmet need that was crying out for fulfillment.  That cry is hurting them today as it continuously puts them in unhealthy relationship patterns and keeps the trauma engaged.

Imagine the confusion within a child when:

• A mother says I love you, but the next day abandons her at the side of the road as a joke.
• A fathers consistent criticism is the basis of acknowledgement.
• A mother only accepts you if you meet her needs.
• The child's revelation of sex abuse is met with disregard.

As children we have no choice but to assign the term "love" to what is given to us as a representation of love. Often what is offered in the name of love is not sufficient nor is it truth. The child ends up emotionally malnourished, weakened and starving for what she thinks only the parent can provide.  That leaves the adult child still attached to the frustrating cycle of hope that the parent will love appropriately. 

Now, as an adult, you have the responsibility, and right to recognize the reality of what your parent offers as love and grieve what is missing. It is time to accept the reality of who your parent is and make steps to release yourself from the toxic cycles that occur.

Then, that unmet need of parental love can be filled as you recognize and internalize the safe love of others.  It may not come the way you had hoped, but it absolutely is possible to fill that void.

What was offered as love was appalling.  What's available in healing is amazing.

So stuck in story.

So stuck in telling story.

So scarred.  So empty.

So not restored.  So not complete.

So hiding impact.  So hiding scars.  So hiding self.

So easily trapped.  So easily complacent.  So easily compliant.  So easily fooled.  So easily dieing.

So busy denying.  So busy doing.  So busy running.  So busy hurting. 

So shut down.  So hopeless.  So dead end.  

So buried. So tragic.

So stuck in telling story.

 

So not the end!  So much more to reveal.  So much more to gain.

So very hard.

So few who go for it.

So tragic!

 

Don't ask me that

I have this pet peeve that has become larger than my ability to keep quiet about it.  When I go to my bank I brace myself for the interaction that comes.  No, they aren't disrespectful.  On the contrary, they act as if they are interested and care.  "How are you today?" they ask.  And I bristle because I know that they really don't care.  And they expect my answer to be:  "I'm fine,"

I have become so aware of how people flippantly inquire about important things.  A friend recently described for me this incident.  While at church, she got in touch with a deep hurt and began to cry. The person next to her asked, "Are you okay?"  And my friend's response:  "Yes, I'm fine."

Now, I know that this person at least acknowledged her condition.  I've known people to totally ignore an emotional response.  And I know that my friend had the responsibility to be authentic in the moment. But, why ask, "are you okay?"  It's obvious she isn't.  In truth, that question holds the expectation that you be okay.  The message is, I acknowledged it, now be okay. We are conditioned to deny the emotional reality we live.

Have you said this: "I've had a bad day, I'm crying and upset."  Why is that a bad day?  Why is an authentic expression of engagement in the reality of life labeled as bad?

I flinch, no I more than flinch, I get frustrated with such disregard for the things of the heart.  Life is hard!  Life is often more than challenging.  If we deny ourselves the process of acknowledging our emotions and completing them, we end up depressed, anxious, resentful and bitter.  And if we, as a people continue to reinforce the stuffing of emotions, we contribute to this hurtful result.

I pity the next bank teller who asks me how I am.  He might get an earful!

No Re-wear for me!

You know by now that I don't usually think the way other people think.  I hear a word and it gets my mind thinking in a totally different direction.  So, on Sunday the Oscars were on television. I decided to ignore it totally.  The reasons?  I think movie stars are given more attention and power than they deserve and I grow weary of hearing, "Who are you wearing?"  Who cares, really?

Then I heard Gayle King, (CBS) later remark that she had on a "re-wear."

Hmmmm, odd term.  Re-wear. In the movie star world you never wear an old dress.  Instead you wear a "designer dress", something made especially for you.  It is unique. Has status.  Provides recognition. Something that makes a statement about who you are.

Okay, here's my leap of thought.

All of us have a "designer dress."  It was designed with you in mind.  It shows off your best side.  It has a purpose.  It is beautiful.  It is unique.  It makes a statement.  Provides recognition.  Makes an impact.  So what is your "designer dress?"  It is your authentic identity!  Created by Creator God to define you, equip you and propel you into destiny.

Seldom do we wear it.  For our designer dress gets covered over by circumstances, actions against us, things we tell ourselves and things others say about us.  We walk clothed in a "re-wear."

So, I'm thinking, it's not cool to wear a re-wear.  The people who walk in their designer dress get admiration; even awards! That's what I'm talking about!  Decided: I'm going to continue to do the work of Restoration - to uncover who I was designed to be!

I'm going to wear my designer dress today! And be on the lookout for my academy award.  Maybe someone will even come up to me and ask, "Who are you wearing?"

The Ultimate Revenge

The Ultimate Revenge
It's a normal reaction and question.  We ask it when someone we love dies.  We ask it when there is a terrible accident.  And the victim of sex abuse asks it in the journey to restoration.  "WHY?"  

Sometimes people are quick to offer an answer.  Things like, "He was drunk", "You were an affectionate kid" or "She was a pervert". None of those answers bring any relief, and actually create deeper harm.  

There is no answer to the question, "Why did he do it?" that will make any sense or bring any satisfaction. There is no good answer.  There is no solid response as to why that will help you feel better.

Focusing on that question will keep you stuck. It's like seeing a mountain in front of you that blocks the view.  It stands in your way of progress. When you continually ask, "Why?", you remain tied to the abuser in a way that prevents you from moving through to processing the real impact: the beliefs born of trauma and the emotional pain.  As long as you stay focused on a question that can't be answered and provides no sense of relief, you remain in the fallout of trauma and the abuser wins!  He or she is still in control!  How?  Because the beliefs, thoughts and emotions hide behind that unanswerable question and control your behaviors and wreck havoc in your life.

You can have the last word!  You can have the ultimate revenge!  That revenge is moving beyond the "why's" to exploring how sex abuse impacted you; take down the destructive beliefs born of trauma, and become all you were created capable of being.  When you do the hard work of shifting beliefs and using your power of agreement, and walk in the freedom of you - the abuser loses control!  

It's the ultimate revenge!  Become who you were created to be!

You are in your Suddenly

I caught a news clip this morning about a country band that is having its “suddenly.”  The band members started their suddenly journey when they were 17; they are now in their 30’s!  And suddenly they were nominated for a Grammy.

It started me thinking.  My first thought was:  “I’m still waiting for my suddenly.”  My second thought:  “I have had lots of suddenlies on the way.”  (Is that a word?)

I think this speaks to the challenge of making goals.  I’ve been taught to create audacious goals to set the course.  The guru’s of success talk about setting goals.  I have to write them for my not-for-profit and for the people I serve.  I see the value in them.  Goals are great, because they help keep me focused.   However, what I’m thinking this morning is that they also set me up.  Because I’ve described what the ultimate “suddenly” would look like – I’ve overlooked the suddenlies on the way.

I can recall the day I knew that I could no longer be what that person needed me to be.  It was a suddenly – that had been developing for quite awhile. 

I can recall the day I knew that my parents were not safe people for me.  It was a suddenly – that had been unfolding in my awareness for years.

I can recall the day I knew that I couldn’t go back to old thinking or behaviors.  It was a suddenly – that had been brewing for quite some time.

We all want a “suddenly.”  My thought for you:  you are in the middle of one!

This morning I celebrated the “suddenlies” of my journey – knowing I will get there – suddenly!

Bold Transforming Power

I started this year with a challenge to my OneHealth/Vivarae community.  Don't make a resolution that will only result in guilt when you can't accomplish it.  Rather, come up with three words to guide you throughout the year.  I realized I hadn't given any thought to create my own.  So I sat down this week and made a stab at it.

This is what I came up with:  Bold Transforming Power

I'm excited to embrace these words as it reflects my passion to shift the status quo in which I live.  I embrace change and know the value and potential found in new solutions. Thus, I dedicate my life to pushing against traditional answers to how we heal from and stop sex abuse.  

In our culture new technology is embraced swiftly.  People don't resist the latest i-phone. Actually they stand in line to get it.  Will it impact their life in a positive way?  Perhaps, perhaps not.  Yet, we change and adapt to technology without much resistance.  

But present a new mindset and call for a cultural change in our thinking - when it absolutely would result in positive things - and the resistance is loud and vocal. That's why I'm embracing Bold Transforming Power as my mantra for the year.  

Here is my first installment for you.  It's time to move beyond traditional prevention thinking.  It's time to shift into Primary Prevention of Sex Abuse - meaning do something to stop it before it happens.  

Let's play Jenga - Let's take out the foundational cultural mindsets that contribute to sexual assault and topple this atrocity! Some examples: 

• Call out those who by their comments create a sexualized environment.
•  Get involved in shifting the disparity in gender equality.
•  Identify and challenge masculinity stereotypes and disrespect of women and children. 

We are not powerless to change perceptions! It's time!