Stop Fighting it

The look on her face says, "That is not true. Don't say that out loud!"  And I know that we have hit a core roadblock in her restoration process.  It's an important insight.  We stop and refocus.

My goal is not to get her to accept the reality she experienced. If that becomes the focus, the battle will keep her stuck and keep us going round the same mountain over and over again.   

My goal is to help her recognize her unwillingness to accept what she already knows. It's an important distinction in focus.

I've been here many times with many victims of sex abuse.  I get it!  An entire internal system has been built for protection.  And I understand that it is scary to shift it.  I understand the need for support - that's why Connections exists!  I also understand the need for the CORRECT support if the goal is to truly overcome the impact of sex abuse trauma.

The best support I can offer is to help that victim accept her reality - the reality of the now! She decides what that is, i.e., she decides if she will accept the reality of the sex abuse, its impact upon her; or accept the reality that she won't or can't do the work of restoration. She really may be unwilling to shift her coping strategies or shift the way she thinks about herself and the world.  I need to accept that and so does she.  When we shift focus to what she is willing to accept, we can help quiet the internal conflict created in the therapy process.  Our focus can become how to live with the internal systems she has built and remain safe.

Stop fighting it?  Stop fighting knowing what you already know-on all levels.
Acceptance brings freedom!

Hope and Hope Deferred

In the corner behind me lies the pile of things I hoped for that didn't materialize.  In front of me lies the possibility of that next new hope. Most days I can choose the hope in front of me and keep on moving. Some days the pile overwhelms me and I decide that hope is not only useless, but hurtful.  Those are the days I believe, "Hope is what you do to set yourself up."  The internal reprimand resounds: "Why did you go and get your hopes up again?"
 
And the pile grows bigger.
 
Hope is a function of the heart.  It is a combination of two other feelings:  expectation and desire. An expectation is waiting for something; looking for somehting.  You just know that the object of your hope is just around the corner.  Desire is a longing for something you want.  Between the expectation and desire is a thought, or hope, that says it just might be possible.  
 
When things don't come about the way we hoped, we are disappointed and perhaps deeper than that, we are disillusioned.  Those are difficult emotions to master, so we often ignore the emotion and through hope into the pile in the corner, telling ourselves we were foolish to hope, or that it really didn't matter. 

This disappointment left unprocessed becomes hope deferred.  And deferred hope makes the heart sick.  It causes physical problems such as stomach and headache issues.  Hope deferred can result in depression, cynicism, or the development of a guarded heart.  It can leave us immobolized, unable to set goals or go after what we want or need.  Deferred hope is toxic.
 
Having hope is so important to restoring you and getting the life you want.  Here are some thoughts about how to manage hope:
1. Examine what are you hoping in? Is it realistic?  Are you hoping in another person, in a situation or outcome, or in the inner strengths and capacity of who you are? 
2.  Combine hope with action.  If you are hoping in a new job, you'll have to do something to find that job, send the resume, interview, etc.  If you're hoping to be restored to all you were capable of being, you'll have do the hard work of making exchanges in your thinking.
3. Process the disappointments.  Acknowledge that you are disappointed without making excuses or beating yourself up.
4.  Learn from it - was your expectation unrealistic?  Did you need to take more action?  What can you do differently.
5.  Choose to try again!

Hope keeps you moving.  Hope deferred keeps you stuck.  Choose Hope!

Change your mind

I remember saying it to her - "Make a different choice."  She looked at me kind of shocked, almost offended looking (don't worry, it wasn't one of my ladies at Connections!)  I realized several things in that moment.  First, she didn't understand she could make a different choice.  And secondly, she didn't know what her options were.

It made me stop and reflect about how we make our choices.  What information do we use?  Often I think we make a choice based on our experiences and what we've interpreted them to be.

• If your experiences have been the trauma of sex abuse, and you've interpreted that to mean that you are shame, your choices will be made from that perspective.  But is that really true?
• If you've had trouble in school, and you've interpreted that to mean that you are not smart, your choices will be made from that perspective.  But is that really true?

One of our exercises in our Advance! Workbook requires the reader to explore this concept.  What is the distinction between reality and truth?  Here's what happens:  You have an event or experience  (realty), you interpret the event and assign a meaning to it that you live out of, (your truth); except your assigned truth may not be the truth at all!

An example:  Reality/event: I was molested.  Assigned truth:  I'm disgusting.  Truth:  Something disgusting happened, I'm not disgusting. 

An example:  Reality: a little girl is at her dance recital watching for her parents.  They don't show up.  Assigned truth:  "I don't matter."  Truth:  Her parents were delayed by a traffic accident.

When you separate it out and recognize your assigned truth vs. the truth of the situation, you can then use your power of agreement and align with the truth, not the destructive assigned truth that is impacting your life. I'm often asked, how do I know it's truth? Our definition of truth: truth is defined as the concepts and thoughts that move you closer to a sense of freedom, hope, purpose and destiny. Truth is about knowing the accuracy in spite of what the reality of events may tell you. 

You absolutely can change your mind!  You have a choice! Choosing the truth will lead to new freedom to make different choices! That's power!  That's truth!

The Art of Complacency

WARNING:  This post is not for the faint of heart!

There is no magic formula.  There is no 1, 2, 3 step program.  There is no book you can read.  And there is no therapist who can fix what is destroying your hope and stealing your future.  Any of those things are simply tools - they don't create the change and freedom you seek.  YOU DO!

We have become complacent. 

We think if we have read that book we have done something.

We think if we hold a heated conversation about a volatile topic we have done something.

We think if we attended the meeting, or sat through the conference we have done something.

We think if we enact that new law, we have done something.

And things remain the same.  Complacency.

It kills new ideas.

It repeats patterns that bring destruction.

It breeds hopelessness and despair.

It diverts us from our potential and power.

You have to come out of complacency!

You need to be discontent and unwilling to accept the status quo. 

No longer is it okay to only identify what is in your way of change, i.e. fear, rejection, insecurity.  If you want to change your life and thus change the world in which you live YOU will look at that obstacle and say, HELL NO!  

YOU have to USE the tools.  Don't just say the words. SHIFT from the inside.  That is where you connect to your power.

YOU must do the work of internalizing new truth, making internal exchanges and stop giving your power away.  

DO IT! - fire up your resolve - connect to your passion - DO IT!

Can we shift the story we live in?

The women gathered around the table were of varying generations and perspectives.  It was an eclectic looking group with one goal: create a follow-up event to a recent "Status of Women" expo.  Our first task was to select a focus for the event, i.e., around what topic would we build?

When the brainstorming session began I was struck with an understanding that each suggestion was framed around the individual stories that each woman carried.  Each brought to the table the "story" either assigned to her by culture or applied to her by experience. The suggestions focused on what had happened to women.  I could feel the room drain from hope to gloom. 

So I opened my mouth and spun a different story.  "Can't we create a different conversation?  What if we shift our stories to focus on the strengths of women, the core qualities and positive aspects of women rather than stay under the labels and barriers?"  They were stunned.  And the hope rose in the room.

The stories we tell, and the stories we invest in create the framework for how we conduct our lives.  They either confine us or create possibility.

It's the difference between fate and destiny.  Perhaps you've heard me talk about this before.  Fate is the path that we take when we allow circumstances to define us.  Destiny is the path we take when we shift the story by living out of the strengths of our identity.

Restoration is about identifying the restraints of story and shifting them.  It's about changing the relationship you have with "the story".  It's about fighting back, standing up and saying, "I will not be confined by your perspective or actions." 

You absolutely can shift the story in which you live!

Birthing Wisdom

"I am so excited about what you are experiencing."  I know it sounds funny when I say it. I even cringe sometimes, because I say that when I'm sitting with someone who has just understood a difficult truth about the life she has lived. 

She has paid a great cost to arrive at that truth.  It comes wrapped in pain and discomfort.  Its companion, denial, has worked hard to keep the truth from being revealed and explored. Your truth provides wisdom.  I don't know of any other way to unlock that truth than to unwrap the pain and labor through the obstacles to birth the wisdom that will set you free.

Obstacles such as denial, fear, the expectations of others and your own emotions can trick you into thinking you 'can't."  Each obstacle holds its own wisdom.

• Denial - The stance that once "protected" you, is now the doorway to the answers to the questions that keep you wondering "why?"
• Fear - A legitimate emotion that hovers over either truth of experience or unhealthy adaptations made to create a sense of safety or control.
• Expectation of others - Wisdom here is gained in being able to identify safe or unsafe people as you unpack those experiences.
• Your emotions - Provide an opportunity to explain what you are experiencing and explore deeper beliefs that drive emotional reactions.

Wisdom is found in self knowledge and self confrontation.  You hold the secrets to changing what you want to change. You can't fix what you don't know, and you can't shift what you're not willing to confront. 

Only you can decide if you are willing to do the labor of birthing your own wisdom.
I hope you do!



  

Carrying Burdens

This picture moves me! A picture like this flooded my awareness as I listened to a group of victims of sex abuse talk about the burdens they were carrying. I could see all these aspects:

• I see burdens placed on the victim of sex abuse, tied on so he (thinks) he can't shake them loose. 
• I see weariness and resignation in the donkey's (victim's) face. 
• I see the person who tied on the burden leading him with the full expectation that the donkey (victim) carry the heavy load.

That reality troubles me!  How many of us are like that donkey?

I responded with a profound sense of sadness when I heard their burdens.  Sadness for what they have experienced; but even more a sadness that they are afraid to untie the burden and leave it in the dust.  For unlike the donkey, you have a choice!  You can say, hell no, I'm not carrying it!

The conversation has caused me to take a deep look at why's? 

• Why is it that the desire and determination to be free is not as big as the fear of being without the burden? 
• Why do we hide behind fear?  Because we do - we use fear as a reason for not progressing.
• Why do we we think we need the burdens?  If I won't let go of it, it is meeting a need.

I wonder if it all doesn't boil down to being unwilling.  Unwilling to take the risk; or take responsibility for our own behaviors, yes, even those behaviors that are an adaptation to trauma. And how do we shift this - how do we nurture and develop a willing spirit?